


Until it Happens to You

by SadieIRL



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, F/M, Human Gems (Steven Universe), Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 08:50:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11710986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieIRL/pseuds/SadieIRL
Summary: One night was all it took for Peridot's perfect life to be shattered. Will she be able to overcome this event or will it end up destroying her?





	1. Click

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted under my old fanfiction name but I've decided to let that one lay dormant collecting dust as the works created under that name were for a fandom that is no longer active.  
> That being said, as I was writing one of those stories - "A Generous Heart" - I had wanted to devote a lot more time to the recovery process after such an event, however with everything else going on in that fic, it was not possible.  
> It was a treat to be able to sit down and write this and I hope it comes across as a true reflection of how one can recover after sexual assault. Being that it is focused on the recovery aspect, note that no actual explicit descriptions of rape are depicted. However, there may be some consensual NSFW passages in later chapters. ;)  
> This story is NOT related to any other stories I have posted (yet). ;)
> 
> Comments and kudos much appreciated.

 

** Chapter 1 - Click **

“Hey, Per, you comin’?”

Peridot swiveled her chair around and looked at her friend Amethyst who was clearly dressed to go out.  “Hadn’t planned on it."

“You’re a sophomore and you have yet to go to a party.”

                “Do I look like the partying type?”

                “No, but I can fix that.”

                Peridot surveyed her friend’s perfect makeup and indigo top over dark leggings.  Amethyst’s lilac hair fell full and soft down her back. Amethyst was dark and mysterious with curves that drove men crazy and deep brown eyes that told them they didn’t have a chance.  She always looked put together whereas Peridot was a pasty, skinny nerd with glasses and blonde hair that didn’t want to behave.

                Amethyst started rummaging through the closet.  “You don’t own a lot of cute clothes do you?  Hey, this might work.”  She held up a light green button down shirt for Peridot to consider.  It was a flattering color and a style that would accentuate her frame if she had boobs to speak of.

                “Fine,” Peridot said, grabbing the shirt.  “But I’m wearing jeans with it.”  She stripped down to her waist, unashamed in front of her best friend and donned a padded bra that filled her out to at least a B-cup, then covered with the shirt.  It had that fresh-from-the-store smell; she plucked the price tag off.  After giving her hair a quick swipe with a comb and making sure her glasses were polished, she headed for the door.

                “What are you doing?   You need makeup.”

                “I don’t wear makeup.”  Not entirely true, she had for special occasions like prom or a family wedding she had gone to, but not on a daily basis.  She only had a limited amount of makeup anyway. 

That, however, did not stop Amethyst, who went and rummaged in the bathroom and came out with a black makeup case.  Her friend made a face as she pulled out a foundation much darker than Peridot’s skin tone.  “What’s this for?”

“Lapis…all that makeup is hers.” 

“Eh, what she doesn’t know.  Your skin is fine anyway.  Let’s just play up your eyes.” 

There was clearly no talking Amethyst out of this.  “Fine, just don’t make me look like a…you know…night worker.”

“That would take a lot more than eyeshadow and mascara.” 

Peridot took off her glasses, making the whole room blurry and let Amethyst work her magic.  Her friend also added blush and then handed her a tube of red lipstick.  That’s where she drew the line. “Too severe.”  She walked into the bathroom and squinted her eyes to survey her collection of five makeup items in the cabinet, choosing the pale pink lip gloss she had and leaning close to the mirror to swipe it on.  “Stars, I’m blind without my glasses.”  She retrieved them from the desk when she returned to Amethyst and looked at herself in the full length mirror on her roommate’s side.  She actually thought she looked rather pretty without overdoing it; even her hair seemed to be controlling itself today. 

                The party was at a house off campus and was in full swing by the time they got there.  A lot of people were already drunk and Amethyst grabbed them both a shot of something, shoving the red plastic cup into Peridot’s hand and yelling: “Cheers!”

                Peridot took a small sip of the strong smelling liquid and decided she didn’t like it.  She was nineteen and shouldn’t be drinking anyway.  However, to prove to Amethyst she wasn’t a total stick in the mud, she downed the offensive liquid quickly and coughed.  She turned to face her friend, but she had disappeared into the crowd.

                “Not much for tequila?”  A smooth voice asked.

                “I guess not.”

                The guy smiled and started pouring random liquor into a large red cup.  “I’m Kevin.”

“Peridot.”

“That’s…an interesting name.”

“It’s my birthstone.  My friends call me Peri usually.”

“Peri…I like it.  You ever had Midori?”  When she shook her head, he continued.  “It’s a melon liqueur, brilliant green,” he poured some in, “just like your eyes.”

                She accepted the cup from him.  “Thanks.”

                “You take Japanese?”

                “I did in high school.  Midori means ‘green’.”  Though she could have just guessed that from their conversation.

                “Yes, very good.”

                Peridot, already feeling tipsy from the shot, took a sip of this new drink.  It was sweet without the harsh bite the tequila had.  “I’ve seen you in a couple of my classes.”

                “Yeah, I’m studying engineering.  What’s your major?”

                “Computer science.”  She took another swig of her drink, feeling more confident.  She wasn’t interested in guys romantically, but Kevin seemed like he could be a good friend.

                They discussed a shared interest in video games and a dislike of the current pop star now singing over the speakers.  She accepted another drink despite the fact that she was now slurring her words and should really probably stop.

                “Hey, Per, how’s it going?” Amethyst asked when they found each other again.

                “OmigoshAmesyouhavegottotrythisisssssoooogooood! IttasteslikealiquidOtterPop…”

                Amethyst, who seemed pretty sober, took a sip.  “What is in this?  This is the booziest drink I’ve ever tasted.”  She quickly downed three quarters of it, before handing it to her clearly intoxicated friend who swallowed the last of it.  “Okay, Miss Otter Pop, let’s call a cab and get you back to the dorm.”

                Kevin interjected.  “I’ll drive you.  I haven’t been drinking.”

                “That is sooooo shweet!” Peridot said a little too loudly.  “He’sss…gonnadriveme.”

                “Are you sure?” Amethyst asked.  “I don’t know how annoying she’ll be drunk.”

                Kevin laughed.  “It’s fine.”

                Amethyst pulled her aside and dropped her voice.  “Are you sure?  Because I’ll call a cab or something.” 

                She looked over Amethyst’s shoulder at the guy her friend had been flirting with.  “Noooooyouhalffun.  Kevinseemscool.”

                “Well, okay, but text me when you get to the dorm.”

                “Ofcoursh I will.” Peridot hugged Amethyst.  “Thanksh soooo mush for make me party…”

                Amethyst snickered and rolled her eyes.  “I should be recording this.  Drink lots of water when you get back.  See you later, Otter Pop.”

                As they turned to leave, Kevin handed her another shot of tequila.  It wasn’t so bad this time as Peridot was beginning to feel numb and tired.  She rolled down the window on the ride to campus, the cool breeze felt good on her face.

                Upon arriving, Kevin helped her out of the car and up the stairs to her room.  She was beginning to regret the decision to drink so heavily as she was even having trouble walking.  She hardly remembered the car ride and fumbled with her key until finally the door opened and she practically tripped into the room.  Kevin was beside her instantly, helping her up and steering her toward the bed.  “Here, sit down.”

                She flopped on the bed with a sigh, ready to succumb to sleep, but groaned as she kicked off her shoes and realized she was still wearing her jeans.  She made an attempt to get up.  “I should get changed.”

                “Here, I’ll help.”  He was unbuttoning her pants before she could protest.  “You have a roommate?”

                She figured he must’ve noticed the extra bed.  “Lapish…she’s…drama retreat…weekend.”  She heard the gentle fold of fabric as her jeans hit the floor.  Kevin’s footsteps retreated and she was more than ready to sleep her intoxication away.

                _Creak_ … Door closing.

                _Click_ …Lock.

                Peridot sighed.  Good, Kevin had locked the door on his way out.  Except…her mind said, attempting to hold on.  It should be click, lock, creak, door close.  It was the other way around.

                _Click_ …Lock.

                _Clink_ …Belt buckle.

                _Creak_ …Mattress springs.

                And she was out.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "otter pop" incident inspired by actual events.  
> What happens in Portland stays in Portland. ;p


	2. Shattered

** Chapter 2 - Shattered **

                It was not the sunlight that woke her, but a pounding at the door that aggravated the pounding in her head.  “Come in!”

                “Hey, Peri!”  Amethyst sounded far too chipper to this early in the morning.  “You were supposed to text me.”

“I was?”

“Yeah.  I tried calling.  Glad you made it back okay.”

                Her mouth was dry and tasted awful.  She didn’t have her glasses on and everything was blurry.  She squinted at her clock and saw it was nearly noon.  Somehow, she was coordinated enough to retrieve her glasses from the bedside table and slide them on.  Something cold was placed in her hand.  It was bottled water.  “I’m never drinking again.”

                Amethyst laughed.  “Well, drink that anyway; you’re probably dehydrated.”

                Peridot shifted and sat up, wincing.  Something wasn’t right.  She felt…off…uncomfortable.  She shook her head and chugged the water.  She had never been hungover before, so of course she didn't feel right.

                “What’s up with your shirt?” 

                “Hmm?”  Peridot looked down.  Her buttons were not done up right, the order all wrong and as she put a hand to her shirt, she realized her bra was undone and kind of…floating in there.  “I…I guess I tried getting undressed.”  Wait…Kevin had locked the door.  “How did you get in?”

                “It was unlocked.”

                _Creak_ …close.

                _Click_ …lock.

                No, Kevin had closed the door, then locked it.

                _Clink_ …he had undone his belt.

                _Creak_ …he had crawled on top of her bed…on top of her.

                Peridot’s mind panicked.  That’s what was off…she hurt…down there.   Slowly, she peeled back the sheets and walked over to the small bathroom. 

                “Per?”

                She leaned against the counter for a moment trying to remember anything about last night.  She somewhat remembered talking to Amethyst about calling a cab…or something.  Why hadn’t they?  That part was less clear.  What was more clear was she had gone with Kevin.  With trembling fingers, she removed her underwear and saw blood.  She tried calming her mind…maybe it was her period and it was just…three weeks early.  That’s not period blood, her mind said.

                “Peri?”  Amethyst cautiously entered the bathroom and gasped when she saw what was in her friend’s hand.  “Peri!” 

                Peridot crumpled to the floor…she thought the alcohol had made her numb last night, but complete shock had rendered her unable to feel anything or comprehend what had happened.

                Suddenly, her best friend was beside her, arm around her shoulders.  “Do you remember what you did last night?”

                Her mouth wouldn’t work and she shook her still-aching head, even though bits and pieces were floating back…a too rough squeeze on her breast…her head banging against the wall.  She shut her eyes.  She couldn’t have done that. 

                “Per…” Amethyst’s voice was gentle and sounded far away.

                She never would.  She was waiting for someone special.  Besides, she liked girls.  She would never agree to be with a guy.

                She would never agree to it.

                She would never consent to it.

                Amethyst squeezed her shoulder, pulling her from the depths of her mind. “Peri…”

                “I…um…”  Words were slowly coming back, but she was still having a hard time processing what had happened.  “I guess…Kevin and I…”

                “No, there is no ‘Kevin and I’ – it was just Kevin and what he did to you was wrong!”

                “I don’t…don’t…remember…”

                “You were really drunk.”

                “I don’t think I said no.”

                “You couldn’t say yes.”

                “I need a shower.”

                “Not yet.  Come on.”  Amethyst helped her up and led her over the bed.  “Get dressed.  I’m going to take you to the medical center.”

                Somewhere in her mind, she remembered hearing instructions on what to do and what not to do in such situations.  Don’t shower.  Don’t change clothes.  Go to a doctor.  Report it to the police.  However, she never imagined she would _be_ in this situation.

                Should she even consider reporting it?  She may have said yes.  Maybe they both had a great time of it.  She just.  Couldn’t.  Remember.

                “Peri,” her friend said, softly.  “You need to get dressed now.”

                “I might’ve said yes.”

                “Per…”

“Maybe…I just…”

                “Peri…” Amethyst’s voice held a little more warning. 

                “They say your first time isn’t great anyway…”  Her voice began cracking and breaking as she felt a lump rise in her throat.

                “Peri!”

                Her heart thudded; she could hardly breathe.  Panic enveloped her and she was rambling.  “Maybe it’s best I don’t remember…I can just forget…”  Tears rose to her eyes.  This _had_ really happened.  “I’ll take a shower…pretend it never…”

                “PERIDOT!”  Amethyst embraced her friend who dissolved into a crying mess.  “This is hard; I know; it’s awful even.  But, you will get through this.  I promise.”  Amethyst cradled her until her sobbing gave way to tiny whimpers and Peridot finally pulled away.  Amethyst moved strands of hair from Peridot’s face.  Her hair was more disheveled than usual.  Peridot’s eyes and nose were red; her glasses were half-fogged up and crooked on her face.  The carefully applied eye makeup from last night had run and smudged.  Amethyst handed her a tissue for her nose.  Her friend looked like hell; her friend had _been_ through hell.  “Let’s get dressed now, okay?”

                Peridot was finally aware of her stiff and cramping fingers still clenching her panties.  She quickly covered up and adjusted her shirt and bra.  Meanwhile Amethyst had packed extra clothes in a backpack. 

                The walk across campus to the medical center seemed, to Peridot, a very long one.  Once inside, she sat down in the waiting room while Amethyst talked to the receptionist.   Numbness set in again.  She wanted to bolt – to run to her dorm and wash away the remnants of last night.  She was so in her own head she didn’t hear a nurse call her back.  Amethyst nudged her and handed her the backpack.  “Want me to come with you?”

                Peridot shook her head and followed the nurse to the exam room.  The nurse gestured to a chair.  “You can sit here for now.”  She logged into a computer.  “Are you filing a police report?”

                Hell no.  She didn’t want a trial; she didn’t want anyone to know this had happened.  She shook her head. 

                “Do you know the person who did this to you?”

                Her voice came out in a whisper.  “Not really.”

                “I have to ask a series of rather difficult questions.  Just answer as best you can.”

                Difficult was an understatement – the questions were personal and embarrassing.  She looked at the floor, twisted her fingers together nervously, said she was drunk and didn’t remember where she was violated or how or if he had threatened her or if she had fought back.  She just didn’t know and that was the worst part.  She glanced up at the clock ticking away.  This interrogation seemed to go on forever before the nurse stopped typing and silence filled the room for a split second.  “Please change into that gown and sit on the exam table.  The doctor will be in soon.”

                She took her time changing into the backless paper gown that offered little modesty and perched on the edge of the table.  As if in defiance, she had kept her socks on.  They were the alien socks she liked so much she still wore them even though they had a hole in the toe. 

                Peridot, by all standards, was a bit of a nerd.  She was what others would call a ‘good girl’ – work done on time, straight A’s, kept everything in her life organized.  She didn’t drink, didn’t sleep around – she didn’t even date.  Her childhood had been happy; her parents loved her.  She’d always had enough; her life had been perfect.

                And then this happened and it shattered her world.  This didn’t happen to good girls like her.  Hadn’t she done everything right?

                A voice from the hall broke into her thoughts.  “Is this the assault case?”

                “Yes.  I’m not sure if it’s shock or if she was drugged.  She seems out of it.”

                “If these girls stopped drinking so much, things like this wouldn’t happen to them.”

                A realization hit Peridot hard: she had screwed up.  Good girls did not go out and party and get falling-down wasted.  This happened because she was careless.  For one night, she’d thrown caution to the wind and decided not to be a good girl and this was her punishment.  This was HER fault. 

                The door opened.  “Hello, Peridot, I’m Dr. Mahashwaran.  I’m sorry this happened to you.”

                She hadn’t seemed sorry two seconds ago outside the room.  Peridot wasn’t sure how to respond and kept her gaze on the tip of her toe sticking out of her sock.  Somehow these socks belonged in a ‘before’ category.  Before her world came crashing down, she wore cute alien socks and nerdy T-shirts.  What awaited her in the ‘after’ category? 

                “I understand you’re choosing not to report this.  You’re an adult and that’s your right, however, we’re still going to make sure you’re okay and test for STDs.”

                Her head seemed to shake of its own accord at this point.  A tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away.  The nurse pressed a tissue into her hand. 

                “This is going to be similar to your well-woman exam,” Dr. Mahashwaran said.  “If at any point you’re uncomfortable, let me know and I’ll stop.” 

                Peridot nodded.  Though she’d never had the ‘well-woman exam’, she wasn’t an idiot and knew what it entailed as Amethyst had it done once she’d started having sex.  However, good girls didn’t need that because good girls waited.  She was her parents’ perfect virgin daughter.

                Was.     

                “Put your feet here and lay back.” 

                She did as she was told and stared up at the ceiling.  Maybe she should have had Amethyst come with her.  Her fingers clenched together nervously as she felt the cold of metal and she cried out as something was cranked open…as she was cranked open.  This felt like violation all over again. 

                It was that knowledge that unnerved her the most.  What she was not ready to share with anyone, Kevin had just helped himself to…had undressed her…had pushed himself into her most personal and private areas.  She shut her eyes and listened to snippets of conversation between the doctor and nurse. 

                “Lacerations…abrasions…torn…”

                Something scraped inside her and she winced.  Were they almost done?  She shouldn’t have come.  She should have just taken a shower and forgotten.   Their voices seemed far away and it wasn’t until she heard her name for probably the third time she realized Dr. Mahashwaran was trying to get her attention.   “I’m sorry.”

                “It’s okay. When was your last period?”

                “It just ended a few days ago.”

                “What form of birth control are you using?”

                “Abstinence.”  It sounded like a snarky reply.

                “You’re not at great risk for getting pregnant, but I’m going to prescribe Plan B just in case.  Be sure you take it today.”  Something scraped inside her again.  “I’m going to send out for STD testing and we’ll e-mail you the results, but come back if you have any unusual symptoms.  You’ll need to come back in two months, six months and one year for blood testing.”

                This had derailed her life.  She could get pregnant.  She could have a disease.  She was going to have to think about this for a year…perhaps longer.  She gasped as the instrument was closed and removed and breathed a sigh of relief. 

                “You can relax.”

                Relax.  What a joke.  She sat up, more than ready to be done with this and leave.  Papers were given to her…a prescription; the name of a sexual assault support group and the card of a counselor.  “You can get dressed.  Come back if you need anything.”

                Standard lines…expected to be said.  But, what really rang in her head was what she’d heard outside the door.  Once she was alone, she got dressed, put the prescription in her pocket and left the other paper and card on the counter.  Dragging it up in a support group or counseling session would not help her forget.  She didn’t wait for the nurse before she wandered out and was greeted by Amethyst in the waiting room. 

                “How’d it go?”

                Peridot crossed her arms.  “That doctor is a bitch.”

                Amethyst was taken aback.  The worst she’d ever heard Peridot say was ‘clod’.  Peridot didn’t swear.  “Wow…I’m sorry.  Do you need anything?”

                “I have to go a pharmacy.  I’ll need to stop at the dorm and get my wallet.” 

                They walked back to Peridot could do just that, then hopped in Amethyst’s car and headed to the nearest pharmacy.  As she handed the prescription to the pharmacist, she swore she saw judgement in his eyes.  Young college student…Plan B…yeah, she must be a slut. 

                “You haven’t eaten today, have you?” Amethyst asked as they left the pharmacy.  “Let’s get something.”

                “Not hungry.”

                “You need to eat.”

                As if betraying her, her stomach growled.  She sat silently in the passenger seat as they breezed into her favorite drive in burger place.  Soon enough, she was mindlessly shoving fries into her mouth and sipping on a strawberry milkshake.  She took the pill she’d just picked up. 

                “Do you want to talk?”

                “No,” she said softly. 

                “I’m here if you need me.  You know that.” 

                She also knew Amethyst had never been through something like this.  She knew her friend, no matter how close, could never understand the turmoil in her mind.  People always said ‘opposites attract’ and that was definitely true in Peridot and Amethyst’s case.  They’d been friends since they were five and all their differences seemed to bring them even closer together.  But now…with this…she felt a wedge had been placed between them.

                “I thought they kept your clothes as evidence,” Amethyst said. 

                “I didn’t report it.”

                “What?!  Per…what if he does this to someone else?”

                At this point she couldn’t care about anyone else.  She silently took a drink of her shake.  “It’s my decision.”

                “That was the point of taking you to the doctor!”

                “I didn’t want to go!  I wanted to take a shower and forget!”

                “You’re not going to forget, Per, and this isn’t going to be resolved anytime soon.  But Kevin deserves to be punished.”

                She didn’t doubt that, but she wasn’t going to be the one to see to it that happened.  She felt herself shut down again as she looked out the window.  “Could we please go back?”

                Amethyst sighed and started the car.

*

                Back in her dorm room, Peridot was finally alone for the first time that day.  She considered her closed laptop with the half-written paper saved on it.  She surveyed her bed with the messy sheets and focused on a pinched area on the side.  A flash of memory stirred in her mind…she had gripped the side, pulling, trying to slide out from under Kevin who pushed his weight on her.  There was no way she’d said yes. 

                She slid out of her clothes, tossing the shirt, jeans and bra into the hamper even though she knew she’d never wear that shirt again.  Her panties were thrown in the trash and so were her socks.  Stupid aliens…they belonged to ‘before’.   Peridot avoided the full length mirror on Lapis’ side of the room, but caught sight of her naked torso in the bathroom mirror.  There were bruises like fingerprints around her breasts and dark marks on her neck and collarbone…those were not bruises.  She took a deep breath and remembered when she was fifteen and had gotten her first hickey.  She had attempted to cover it with makeup, but her skin was so pale, the makeup was obvious.   Her sister, Pearl, was the one who discovered it and snitched on her.  Her parents were disappointed that she’d been ‘necking’ – their word.  What would they think of her now?  

                Stars, he’d been everywhere, hadn’t he?  There were bruises on her arm where he’d obviously grabbed her.  Her fingers slid between her legs and she was tempted to take a hand mirror to survey the damage, but decided it was better not to.  She still hurt.  The thought of him touching her made her stomach rebel and she made it to the toilet just in time to toss up everything she’d eaten not an hour ago. 

                Peridot threw her glasses on the counter and stepped into the stall, turning on the hot water.  Finally…hot water poured down on her, down her hair, her shoulders, back, legs…this helped. 

                Who was she kidding?

                Nothing helped.


	3. Destruction

** Chapter 3 -Destruction **

                Peridot spent the rest of the weekend either working on school work or curled up in bed trying not to feel anything.  She’d washed her sheets and her clothes; she ate one meal of cheap instant noodles.  Amethyst wouldn’t stop texting but she didn’t respond.  Amethyst seemed to belong to ‘before’.  She needed time, space.  It was after five on Sunday when her roommate came home and tossed her backpack on her bed.  “The acting troupe needs to understand that all the drama belongs on stage.” Lapis sighed and lay back against a pillow.  “How was your weekend?”

                The clack of laptop keys was the only answer Peridot gave as she was engrossed in her school work.  She and Lapis didn’t hate each other, usually they were quite amicable, but were not friends exactly.  They were just so very different.  Peridot didn’t need to even look to know that Lapis was wearing all black and had some of her dyed blue hair in front of her eyes. 

                “That boring, huh?”

                Peridot’s phone went off again.  She saw another message from Amethyst: I’m coming over.  She rolled her eyes.  Fine, whatever.  She really couldn’t put her finger on it, but just Amethyst’s presence annoyed her.

                “Not in a talking mood?”

                “Not particularly.” 

                It was only a few minutes before there was a knock at the door and Lapis let Amethyst in.  They greeted each other, but otherwise, they didn’t really speak.  Lapis was ever the loner.  Amethyst sauntered over to the desk and placed a paper bag with a fast food logo next to Peridot’s computer.  “How are you doing?”

                “My English paper.”

                “Not ‘what’…’how’.”

                “Okay.”  No, she was not okay…she was far from okay.

                “Have you eaten?”

                “Noodles…and gummi sharks.”  Peridot continued clacking away at the keyboard.

                “I brought you some tacos.  You need to eat.”

                “I’m fine.”  She pressed the final key a little harder than intended and saved the document.  “Done.” 

                Amethyst glanced over in Lapis’ direction and dropped her voice.   “There’s this place and it’s free.  They can help you, you know, with talking about it.”

                “I don’t want to.”

                “What will you do when you see him tomorrow?”

                Peridot honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead.  Kevin had always kind of blended in with the class, but now there was no way she couldn’t notice his presence.  She had two classes with him.  “I don’t know.  I’m…uh…I’m going to head to bed.”

                “It’s like six; it’s still light out.” 

                “I didn’t sleep well last night.”  That part was true.  She had spent most of the night awake attempting to remember something more, but it didn’t come while her eyes were open.  Instead, the memories – or her imagination of them – manifested themselves as nightmares once she had finally dozed off.

                “Okay.  Just call me if you need anything, okay?”

                Peridot simply nodded and waited until Amethyst had left before tossing the tacos in the trash.  She flopped on her bed and curled up into a ball. 

                “What happened this weekend?”  Lapis asked.  “I’ve never seen you and Amethyst like this.”

                “Nothing.  We just…have a difference of opinion on something.  My opinion is she should mind her own damn business.  You might want to do the same.”

                “Geez, who lit your tampon string on fire?”

                Peridot pulled the sheets above her head and inhaled deeply letting it out slowly.  She needed to wash her sheets again.  She could still smell him.

*

                She kept her head down as she walked through the halls, as she entered her classes, especially the ones she knew she shared with Kevin.  Peridot felt a twinge of panic when she saw him out of the corner of her eye…no, ‘twinge’ was not the right word, it felt like her heart was in her throat and she couldn’t breathe.  She was downright scared…and angry.  She wasn’t sure if she wanted to run from him or punch him.  She kept her eyes on her laptop and her ears on the lesson, rushing out as soon as it was over. 

                “Peridot!”

                She froze.  It was his voice.  She swallowed hard.  “Y-yes.”

                “I just wanted to make sure we were still cool.”

                “Excuse me?”

                “I normally don’t go that far on a first date, but you were hard to resist.  I should call you PeriHOT.”  He winked.

                She wasn’t aware it was a date.  When had she given him that idea?  “I was…really drunk.”

                Kevin laughed.  “I noticed.”

                Peridot was shaking.  “So, no, we are not ‘cool’.  I couldn’t…I would have never…”

                “Well, you seemed pretty into it.”

                ‘Into it’?  She had been practically unconscious.  “I don’t remember…”

                “We had a good time.  No strings, right, but if you ever want to again, let me know.” 

                She bit her lip afraid she was going to cry.  He not only had no remorse; he thought he hadn’t hurt her at all.  And she couldn’t remember…maybe he was right…maybe she had wanted it.  Maybe she had led him on somehow, especially if he thought what they had was a date.  Had she flirted?  Had she given some signal she wanted more than a friendship?  Well, now she wanted nothing to do with him!  She turned and ran off, through the hall, outside and leaned against a railing breathing heavily.  She felt like throwing up…she felt like screaming…like crying…she thought she might burst out of her very skin if she didn’t have some kind of outlet.  Footsteps followed behind her. 

                “Hey, you okay?”  Kevin asked breathlessly. 

                “Leave me alone!”  She screamed. 

                “Whoa, fine.” 

                Amethyst seemed to appear out of nowhere.  “You’re lucky she didn’t go to the police, asshole.  But, you so much as look at my friend wrong again and I’ll mess you up.”

                “I have no idea what’s going on, but you two are both crazy.” 

                “Let me recap – you brought Peri back to the dorm and raped her, does that sound about right?”

                He glared at Peridot.  “Is that what you think happened?  You say you don’t remember then put a label on it?  So, no, let me recap: you didn’t tell me no; you didn’t fight me off.  If you had, I would have stopped.”

                “Yeah, because after four drinks she was in a mental state to tell you ‘no’.”  Amethyst scoffed.  “Dumbass.  She didn’t say ‘yes’ either.”

                “You weren’t there.  From what I’ve heard, you were off getting your own jollies.” 

                “Yeah, and I gave consent.”

                He stepped forward close enough to Peridot to make her highly uncomfortable.  “If I have any trouble because of this, I swear you will regret it.”  With that, he left.

                Her ears were ringing and her breathing turned shallow.  Confusion set in again…what had happened?  She quickly walked back to the dorms feeling like she was going to explode with Amethyst right behind her.  Peridot slammed the door to her room once both of them were inside.  She took off her bag and threw it on the bed then paced around, running her fingers through her hair. 

                “Peri, don’t listen to him.  This was not your fault.”

                She tugged at her hair.  “Yes it is!  I got drunk!  I said something, did something to make him think it was okay!  And I don’t remember!”  She picked up a book and threw it at the wall.  She shook with rage.  “God fucking damn it!”

                Peridot kicked the nearest wall shelf sending it and about twenty books plummeting to the floor.  She grabbed a photo frame with a picture of her and Pearl back when things were happy and flung that at the wall, shattering the glass.  “I HATE HIM!  WHY DID HE DO THIS?!”

                “Per…”  Amethyst put her hands on her friend’s shoulders and steered her toward the bed.  “What happened was not fair, but it wasn’t your fault.”

                “Stop saying that!”  Peridot turned facedown into a pillow and released the tortured scream she’d been holding in.

                It was then someone cleared their throat behind them and both were aware of Lapis’ presence in the room for the first time.  The blue-haired girl knelt by the bed and gently took Peridot’s hand.  “I knew something happened this weekend.” 

                Her breath, the words, came out ragged and as broken as she felt.  “I…I w-was…r-raped.  I-I th-think.”

                “You were,” Amethyst said simply.  “Regardless of what he says.”

                Lapis squeezed her hand.  “It happens more than it should.  A girl in my drama class went through it.” 

                “Is she okay now?”

                “She killed herself.”

                “Got any rope?”  Peridot asked.  Death sounded like a much better option at this point.

                “She used pills.”

                Amethyst shot Lapis a murderous look.  “That’s not funny.”

                “It’s not meant to be,” Lapis said.  “She wasn’t very strong, but I think you are.”

                “You need to talk to someone about this,” Amethyst told her.  “It won’t be easy, but I found a crisis center close by with free counseling.  I texted you the link on Sunday morning.”  She rummaged through Peridot’s bag and found her cell phone.  “I want you to call them now and make an appointment.”

                Peridot sat up and searched through the text messages finally finding the number.  She listened to it ring while Lapis rubbed her back soothingly.  Finally someone picked up.  “Hello…I need to talk to…a counselor I guess.”

                “Of course.”  The lady on the other end took Peridot’s information.  “We have no openings now, but I have you on the waiting list and when a counselor has availability we’ll call you.”

                “Okay.  Thank you.”  She hung up.  “Waiting list.”

                “What?!”  Amethyst exclaimed. 

                “If it’s free counseling, it’s probably government or donation funded, so they have limited resources,” Lapis explained.   She smoothed Peridot’s hair.  “Skip your afternoon classes, try to get some rest.  We might not be counselors, but we’ll listen if you need to talk.”

                “Thanks.”  None of this made her feel any better.   The truth was, something bothered her, swirled around in her head, made her think.  She thought about hanging out with Amethyst and the idea annoyed her to no end.  But why?  They’d been friends for so long and here she was favoring Lapis’ company.  Amethyst had stood up for her though when Kevin was saying all those horrible things earlier. 

                _‘From what I’ve heard, you were off getting your own jollies,’_ she remembered him saying.

                That’s right; Amethyst had been flirting with someone.  Her friend went to these parties to hook up and she had brought Peridot this time.  But they didn’t leave together…Amethyst had let her leave with someone who was practically a stranger.  She raised her head up off the pillow and broke up the conversation her friend was having with her roommate.  “Ames?”

                “What is it?  What do you need?”  Amethyst was by her side immediately. 

                “Is what Kevin said true?”

                “No – I’m sure you weren’t ‘into it’.  What a dick.”

                “Not about me.  Did you let me go home with him so you could have your own hookup?”

                “What?!  Per, I asked you like two or three times if you wanted me to call a cab and you said no, that you thought it was sweet Kevin wanted to take you home.”

                That’s what this feeling was, she was angry…at Amethyst.  And not like when they were kids and Amethyst accidently deleted a favorite game off her computer or when they were in high school and her friend wanted to copy her homework.  No, she was pissed off.  “You said it yourself – I had four drinks in me – do you really think I was competent to make that decision?”

                “Per, you’re upset with Kevin, not me.”

                “No…no, I am upset with you.  I don’t drink – you do all the time; you seemed perfectly fine to me and you let me leave with him so you could stay and…”

                “I was tipsy too and for the record, even though I said I did – I didn’t.  Chuck saw me down three quarters of your stupid drink, Miss Otter Pop, so he wouldn’t do it, for obvious reasons.  We stayed up and talked.”

                “Girls,” Lapis interjected.

                “You go to these parties for one reason – to have sex, so what did you think people would think I was there for?  I ended up in this situation because of you!  Because you had to be a little…”

                “Say it, I dare you,” Amethyst said in a dark tone.

                “Slut!  You’re kind of a slut, Ames – everyone thinks so!”  Her words held poison…dangerous poison that would kill their friendship, but in the moment, she didn’t care.  Saying it felt good. 

                “And, you know, what?” Amethyst asked as she picked up her bag.  “Maybe you are too.  Maybe what Kevin said was right – maybe you were into it!” 

                Lapis’ jaw dropped in shock.  “Amethyst!”

                “Get out!”  Peridot shouted.  “I don’t want to see you again!”

                “Fine!”  Amethyst slammed the door. 

                Peridot suppressed the urge to cry; it felt better right now to be angry.  It took her mind off the fact she’d destroyed the best friendship she’d ever had.


	4. Broken Glass

** Chapter 4 – Broken Glass **

                She waited for a call that never seemed to come.  Peridot fell back into a routine but nothing was really the same.  She avoided Kevin at all costs, did her work as expected, continued to excel at school, but deep down she was changed.  She never had any weird symptoms; her period came on time.  The leaves that had been brilliant shades of orange and red turned yellow and brown and fell.  A sharp chill was in the air.  It was November and before she knew it, she was driving home to spend Thanksgiving with her family. 

                She pulled into the driveway of her childhood home – a pretty white house with blue trim only three houses down from where Amethyst’s parents lived.  Turning off the engine, she exhaled slowly.  Her family didn’t know; they didn’t need to know.

                Her parents were excited to see her and bombarded her with questions while hugging her almost too hard.  She forced a smile and sat down at the table.  The evening before Thanksgiving was always a simple dinner, but she knew her mom already had pie fixings in the fridge and tomorrow the whole house would smell amazing all day. 

                “Are you eating okay?” her mom asked.  “You look like you’ve lost weight.”

                “I’ve just been busy.  I have a lot more school work this year.  Still getting straight A’s though.”

                Her dad patted her shoulder.  “That’s my girl, but you need to take care of yourself, too.  A few slices of your mom’s apple pie tomorrow and you’ll put on a couple of pounds.”

                Her mom passed a dish to her.  “Are you dating anyone yet?”

                Peridot shook her head. 

                “Good,” her dad interjected.  “Boys are too much of a distraction.”

                “Dad, I’m a lesbian, remember?”

                “Girls are too much of a distraction.”

                Peridot found herself forcing a smile. 

*

                The next day, Pearl arrived in the morning and helped their mom in the kitchen.  How could her parents think Peridot was getting skinny when Pearl was just as thin…much taller though.  Peridot was unsure where that came from.  “Can I help?”

                “We got it, sweetie,” her mom said.

                She knew she had no aptitude for cooking.  She wandered into the living room and sat on the couch, reading a book while her dad watched football.  It was simple moments like this that took her mind off of things. 

                “Did you see that play?”

                “No.”

                “They’re kicking butt.”

                Peridot made note of the score but had no interest in the game.   She later ate the delicious food and enjoyed her family’s company and wore a phony smile so they wouldn’t suspect anything. 

                She should have known her mother would suspect something since they’d always been close.  They were standing at the sink, her mother washing and Peridot drying.  “Sweetie, is everything okay?”

                “Of course.”

                “I just think…you seem different somehow.”

                Peridot swallowed.  Telling them would shatter their image of her.  She would no longer be their perfect, virgin daughter.  “People always change, right?  Especially in college.”

                “I’ll just say it, you seem depressed.”

                How could she tell?  Had Peridot not smiled enough?  Was she not pleasant enough when she talked?  She recalled their family photo in the other room – it was a few years old, but her smile was genuine.  “I’m fine.”

                Her mother turned off the sink.  “Peri, we’ve always told each other everything.  What aren’t you telling me?”

                “Nothing!”  In her panic, she squeezed the glass she held too tight shattering it and felt a shooting pain in her hand.  “Ow!” 

                “Peridot!”  Her mother was immediately at her side with a dish towel.  “Hold onto that.”   

                She retreated to the bathroom, tears in her eyes and unwrapped the towel.  There was a large shard of glass in her hand that she plucked out with a wince.  She considered throwing it away but at the last second when she heard her mother’s footsteps, she shoved it in her pocket.  She bit her lip but let her tears fall as her mother put antiseptic on her cuts and used tweezers to remove small pieces of glass.  Finally, her hand was bandaged and her mom gently kissed it as she would have done when Peridot was little.  “Does it still hurt?”

                Her mom couldn’t know, but Peridot wasn’t thinking about her hand when she nodded.  The words: “We’ve always told each other everything” hurt because this was too big to tell her mom.  Yes, it wasn’t easy to tell her she got second place in the fourth grade spelling bee or that some girl at school didn’t like her but those hadn’t been so emotionally traumatizing.  She thought it would be a difficult conversation last year when she told them she was gay, but they were surprisingly understanding and supportive.  “Do I still get grandchildren?” her mother had asked.  Peridot had laughed.  “I can always adopt.”

                But she knew once she told her parents, everything would change…they would look at her different.  She hated the way Lapis looked at her with pity and she wouldn’t be able to hurt her parents by telling them and then seeing that same look.  Or worse, she would disappoint them.  She would fail to be the good girl they’d raised. 

                She thought about the shard of glass in her pocket. 

                She was broken like the wine glass…still pulling out jagged pieces left in her by the rape. 

                Her parents couldn’t put her together again…no one could.

*

                Peridot decided she wouldn’t leave a note.  It would be easier that way.  She waited until the next night and drew a hot bath.  The shard waited on the edge of the tub; the door was unlocked.  She figured after a while, when she hadn’t come out of the bathroom, her parents would get curious.  By then it would be too late, of course, but they wouldn’t have to break down the door.  Her mom knocked, “You need anything sweetie?  Got towels?”

                “Yeah, I’m good.” 

                She slid under the water and sighed.  Was she really going to do this?  Her hand still hurt, but she knew after the initial pain, she would simply bleed out into the water and be gone.   Then her heart would stop beating…and hurting.  She was about to reach for the shard when Pearl burst in.  “Sorry, I really need…”

                Peridot covered herself as best she could.  “Don’t you know how to knock?”

                “It’s not like you have anything anyway.”

                “Speak for yourself.” 

                Pearl glanced over.  “What’s that?”

                “What?”  Peridot was beyond annoyed beyond belief.

                Pearl picked up the glass shard.  “This could have fallen in the bath and hurt you.” 

                No!  Her sister was going to ruin everything!   “Um…I didn’t notice that there.”

                “You need to pay more attention.” 

                Pearl needed to mind her own business.  Peridot leaned her head back and sighed as her sister left with what she had hoped would be her escape.

*

                She thought about how she might do it during her drive back to campus Sunday.  She could unbuckle her seatbelt and crash her car, but that was not a foolproof way to get the job done.  She had no kind of pills in her dorm room that would do the job.  She could hang herself, but that didn’t seem like a good way to go.  She could jump from the roof of the school…ech, no, too messy.

                So, on Monday when classes resumed, she was still alive and still hurting unbearably.  Peridot glanced over at her former best friend and their eyes met for a brief second before they broke contact.  Part of her missed Amethyst and ached for her company once again.  It wasn’t easy just throwing fifteen years of friendship out the window…especially the way she’d done it.  On the other hand, blaming someone else made her feel like the blame was less on her.  Although…she still knew, deep down, that she was ultimately at fault.

                She was on her way to her next class when she heard her phone softly ringing in her pocket.  She normally didn’t answer numbers she didn’t know, but this time she made an exception expecting to hear a sales spiel about time shares or a poll about politics.

                “Hi Peridot, I’m calling from the Crisis Center.  We had your name on our waiting list for counseling and I was hoping to set up an appointment for you this week.”

                Peridot ducked out of the crowded hall and outside to a more secluded area.  “Y-yes, I’d l-like that.”  She really didn’t want to, but maybe she could try it.  After all, even though she and Amethyst weren’t friends anymore, she had promised her she would.  At the end of the phone call, she had an appointment for Thursday afternoon.  She sighed and tapped her finger against the back of her phone.  Okay, she would go to the appointment, but if it wasn’t helpful, she would throw herself in front of a bus.

*

                The crisis center was surprisingly tiny, tucked away in a forgotten strip mall.  She almost missed it because it was so unassuming and the lace curtains in the windows nearly covered up the sign in the window identifying it.  A receptionist handed her a rather lengthy questionnaire to fill out.  She didn’t even feel comfortable filling out the information correctly, but no one here knew her, so what the hell.  The first page was basic info.  The second page asked for insurance information – like she was going to give them that and have a bill go to her parents.  It also explained that if she had no insurance they would do it on a reduced fee, or free.  She checked off that she had no insurance, she was a college student and her income was relatively low. 

                The third and fourth pages had tons of questions about her ‘abuse’ – when it had happened, from what age till what age, which family member had done it.  “What?” she whispered not really sure why she was here anymore.  She hadn’t been abused by a family member and it was only one time.  There were questions about drug use either personal or in the home.  She approached the desk. “Um…none of this applies to me.  I mean…um…” 

                A door nearby opened and she turned her head to see a woman walking out with a girl about her age.  The girl looked familiar and Peridot realized that while she didn’t know the girl’s name, they went to the same college.  She quickly looked away hoping not to be recognized.  What was she thinking?  If this girl saw her here she’d know exactly why she’d come.  Not only that, but this clearly seemed like a place for people who had been terribly abused, not for someone who couldn’t even remember her one incident.  Why should they waste their time on her when others had much more screwed up things happen to them? 

                She handed the clipboard back to the receptionist. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”  And with that she ran out.

*

                “How was your appointment?”  Lapis asked later on that evening. 

                “I didn’t go.  I can’t…that place…wasn’t for me.”  She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to summon the strength or desire to do anything else.

                “Then, what are you going to do?”

                She didn’t exactly have a plan yet, but she had a basic idea.  However, if she said anything Lapis would try and stop her.  “I don’t know.” 

                “Have you told your family?”

                Peridot let out a short laugh.  “I can’t do that.  I’m perfect to them; I’ve always been perfect.”

                “I wish my parents thought I was perfect.  When I said the words ‘drama major’ I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack.  They want me to be a doctor.”

                “Well, maybe someday you’ll play one on TV.” 

                “My parents would be all: ‘Lapis could have been a real doctor but now she’s on that trash show wearing short, short skirts.’  What about your parents?”

                “They never really put career expectations on me, but college was a must.  I actually considered joining the navy at one point, but they talked me out of it.”

                “Why don’t you think they’d understand what you’ve been through?” 

                “When I got a hickey in high school, they practically flipped out.  Good girls don’t make out with boys…little did they know it was because Amethyst said ‘how do you know you don’t like guys if you’ve never kissed one’?  So, at one of her parties, we were playing seven minutes in heaven…it definitely wasn’t heaven.  He slobbered like a St. Bernard.” 

                “Wow…”

                “After that I told Amethyst it was definitely girls for me.” 

                “Yeah, me too.”

                Peridot looked over.  She hadn’t known this about Lapis.  Well, at least now she had one more thing in common with her quiet roommate.  “What do your parents think?”

                “They don’t know.  They’re…old school.  Yours?”

                “Supportive, though my dad seems to think since I’m a lesbian I’m suddenly going to be interested in sports.  He’s like ‘watch the game with me’ – I’d rather have dental surgery.”

                They shared a laugh and for the briefest moment as they were getting to know each other, Peridot had pushed her negative thoughts to the back of her mind.


	5. Not Alone

** Chapter 5 – Not Alone **

                The negativity didn’t stay away for long.  It couldn’t, of course as she had to see Kevin in class several times a week.  Part of her wanted to actually talk to him and find out exactly what happened the night of the party; another part – a bigger part – was scared of the answer.  Her entire mind was caught up in this turmoil and very rarely did she get any reprieve.

                She had failed to follow through with therapy.  Nothing made her happy.  Like a robot, she went to class, did her work, and then powered off for the night.  Even that didn’t help because she didn’t sleep well and it showed in the dark circles under her eyes.  Her eating habits suffered and her clothes hung on her by mid-December.  She covered up with long flannel shirts.  Her jeans were loose, but she didn’t actually own a belt.  If I did, I would have used it by now, she thought.  She figured it was best not to buy one.

                The thought of suicide still enticed Peridot as she felt tormented by her mind every moment she existed.  She knew there were others…others who had it worse even, but no one she knew could possibly relate to what she had been through.  Amethyst had been her support system and now they weren’t talking.  Kevin had destroyed her life; she’d destroyed her own friendship.  Lapis was definitely a kind person, but they didn’t have the history she shared with her former best friend.  It was a big, gaping hole in her life. 

                After classes, she sat outside, in her flannel shirt, hardly registering how cold it was though snow fell all around her.  Maybe if she sat here long enough, she’d simply freeze to death. 

                Kevin’s voice interrupted her thoughts.  “If it isn’t Peri-not-so-hot.  What happened to you?”

                She wanted to STRANGLE him, but fear kept her in her place.  Her answer came out in such a mumble even she was unsure of what she said.  He sat down beside her causing her heart to pound furiously with fear.   They were outside though and even though there weren’t people close by, there were some students milling around.  

                “What?”

                “You happened to me.”  Peridot couldn’t look at him; she couldn’t stand the thought of being next to him and she couldn’t stand to hear his answer to the question that had plagued her mind since that night.  “What exactly did we do?”

                “I think it’s pretty obvious.”

                She kept her eyes on the ground; someone had made a tiny snowman by the bench.  “It isn’t; not to me.  You said I was ‘into it’ – why do you say that?”

                “The noises you made, especially when I…”

                She shut her eyes as he described the disgusting things he’d done to her that she couldn’t remember.  She imagined herself, limp on the bed while he helped himself to whatever he wanted…her lips, her breasts, her virginity…  “Okay, okay, stop!”

                “I thought you wanted to hear it.” 

                “I-I don’t need to hear more.”  Peridot got up off the bench and quickly walked away. She couldn’t have wanted it…but what he was describing made it seem like she did.  Why else would she have been ‘moaning and sighing’ as he put it.  It called into question not only whether it legitimately had been rape, but even her sexual orientation.  Why would she have responded that way when she was drunk whereas when she was sober, she didn’t find guys attractive at all?  More to the point, she now found Kevin absolutely repulsive. 

                School work was forgotten that night; she lay on her bed, all the scenarios playing over and over in her head like an internet video on repeat.  She heard Kevin’s words repeating in her head…she wondered if what her mind’s eye saw was just her imagination or what had actually happened.  In the end, the truth was still the same: she didn’t remember.  And she couldn’t be sure Kevin’s account was 100% accurate either.  He could just be fucking with her. 

                _Why not_ , her mind said.  _He already did once…_

*

                Peridot decided she would do it at home.  She would give her parents the family Christmas they wanted then she would be gone.  This was the plan.  Classes ended the Friday before winter break, she took Saturday to make sure her already neat side of the room was even neater and to write a note to Lapis, which she placed on her pillow after her roommate had left.  Notes were now a good idea.  She had to make her family and friends understand her decision. 

                On that Monday before Christmas, she drove home.  It seemed like forever since she’d been there even though it had only been a month ago.  She didn’t try to hide her depression this time; she simply tried to hide.  She stayed in her old room reading books or watching episodes of Camp Pining Hearts on Netflix.

                Pearl came home on Christmas Eve and immediately got on Peridot’s case about her weight.  “What is wrong with you?  Aren’t you eating properly at school?”

                “I have a lot going on…” Peridot said softly.  “Classes and such…”

                And she could see it…she could…the worried looks on their faces, but she couldn’t pretend, not even for them.  It hurt to smile; it hurt to fake happiness.  Who was she kidding?  It hurt to live.  It hurt on Christmas morning when she opened her gifts knowing she would never wear the scarf she was given or cash the check they’d written her.  Her family thought she had a future.  They didn’t know that in two days she would be gone. 

                Her mother tried, though; she sat Peridot down and asked her what was wrong.  Peridot longed to be truthful, but if it hurt her mother this much just to think her daughter was sad, how much would it shatter her heart to hear the truth?  The Peridot they had known was already dead.  She’d been buried in white sheets; smothered under the weight of a crime that had shattered her and cast away into ‘before’.  ‘After’ Peridot could not exist in this world. 

                Pearl also tried to butt in; Peridot told her to mind her own damn business.

                “Why don’t you get together with Amethyst today?” her mother suggested Monday morning as she was getting ready for work and Peridot was sitting at the kitchen table stirring a mug of tea. 

                “Maybe.” 

                Her mom kissed the top of her head.  “I love you, sweetie.”  With that she left.  Peridot’s father had already left earlier.  Pearl was in the house, but if she listened to what was said to her earlier, she’d mind her own damn business.

                She calmly finished her tea and then took a bottle of vodka from the pantry.  Just in case Pearl was around, she hid it under her flannel shirt and snuck it into her room.  She then went to her parents’ medicine cabinet and found leftover Percocet from when her father had carpel tunnel surgery.  He hated taking pain medicine so there were ten left.  Between ten Percocet and however much vodka she could stomach, she would most certainly fall asleep and have nothing to do but wait as powerful drugs slowed her breathing so it stopped. 

                Peridot stowed them under her bed while she took a shower.  So far, Pearl had been downstairs or another room or something.  Either way; she hadn’t been disturbed, which was good, as this plan hitched on her being alone.  She applied makeup – nothing as fancy as what Amethyst had done for her, but she looked nice; her hair dried quickly into its usual odd, sticking-up shape.  At least it was clean and silky.  With careful consideration, she chose a mint green dress from her closet and put it on.  She surveyed her shoes, but knew people weren’t often buried with shoes, so those probably weren’t important.  

                The last thing she did was place an envelope on the bedside table next to the pills and the vodka she was about to take.  She had written to her family detailing exactly why they would come into her room to find her sleeping all made up and dressed fancy…and too pale…and lips too blue…and skin too cold…and how her mom might scream and her dad might panic and call an ambulance, but it would be much too late for that.  She would have died their perfect virgin daughter…until, of course, they read the letter, but she wouldn’t be alive to deal with that.

                Finally, as she sat on the edge of the bed surrounded by memories of her life and her family, she had clarity and peace.  Her torment would end; her existence would be over.  She wouldn’t feel anymore.  A smile came to her lips for the first time in a long time.

                She opened the vodka and exhaled slowly as she poured the pills in her hand. 

                Then the doorbell rang.  She waited a moment and heard footsteps coming down the hall.  Quickly she slid the pills back in the bottle and closed the cap on the vodka just before Pearl knocked on the door.  “Amethyst is here.”

                _Really, universe_ , she thought.  _Really?_

                “Tell her I’m busy.”

                “She said she won’t leave without seeing you.  She was pretty insistent.”

                Peridot took a deep breath and released it as an annoyed sigh.  She slipped from her room opening the door as little as possible and shutting it behind her. 

                “What are you all dressed up for?” Pearl asked.

                “A funeral.”

                Pearl made an exasperated sound and rolled her eyes.  “I don’t get you these days.”

                Sure enough Amethyst was waiting in the foyer.  It felt like old times and yet it didn’t.  Those days were gone; that Peridot was gone.  “What do you want?”

                “I need you to come with me.”

                “Excuse me?”

                “Correction, actually, the exact words were: ‘go get Peridot and don’t take no for an answer.  Grab her by the wrist, throw her in the car and kidnap her if you have to.’”

                “Exact words from who?”

                “My sister.  She wants to talk to you.”

                Peridot couldn’t exactly say she didn’t know Amethyst’s sister, Jasper, because she and Amethyst had been friends for so long.  But Jasper was eight…or nine…years older and they had nothing in common.  “Why?”

                “I don’t really know what she has planned, but she was pretty adamant that she talk to you.  So, are you coming or do I have to kidnap you?”

                She was thoroughly annoyed, but she supposed her death could be put off by an hour or two. “I’ll get my coat.”

                They sat in silence in the car on the way to Jasper’s house.  When was the last time Peridot had even seen her?  Senior year…they’d participated in that ridiculous and dangerous military oriented obstacle course and mud run at Jasper’s insistence.  Jasper had finished 3rd.  Peridot and Amethyst limped across the finish line three hours after they’d started, covered in mud.  Amethyst had twisted her ankle and Peridot had lost her glasses in a swamp of goop.  “I swear if I have to do any kind of physical activity where I get dirty…”

                Amethyst laughed a little.  “The mud run?”

                “That was insane.”

                “The memories are good though.”

                “You called me up the next day saying you were ‘traumatized’.”  And Peridot let out a small laugh before she realized she and Amethyst were not speaking.  She’d said some pretty hurtful things.  So Amethyst enjoyed partying and having sex; who was Peridot to shame that?  It wasn’t as if Amethyst was doing it unprotected or with just anybody.  What did it matter now anyway?  As soon as she heard whatever it was Jasper had to say, she was going home to die.  Still…she missed her best friend something terrible. 

                “Ames.”  “Per.”

                They both apparently had the same thought.  Peridot cleared her throat and spoke first.  “I’m sorry I called you a slut.  I was…hurting…I still am.”

                “I know that.  I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend at the party.  I should have realized you were in over your head.” 

                “I miss you.”  “I miss you.”

                They laughed and for a moment it felt like old times when they’d drive around listening to music and talking about stupid things.  After all, she needed to put everything in order.  She took Amethyst’s hand when it was offered to her and gave it a squeeze.  Amethyst had missed her…and for the first time, guilt about her plan set in and she realized that by that evening, her best friend would get the worst news of her life just as they’d made up. 

                “We should do something after this.”  Amethyst said.  “Want to get milkshakes and fries?”

                The idea of eating that again made her stomach turn.  “It’s a little cold for milkshakes.  Pizza?”

                “Sounds good.”  Amethyst steered the car into the driveway of a small, one story house.

                Peridot nervously followed her friend…her best friend…up the porch steps and Amethyst entered without knocking leading Peridot into the kitchen.   “I’m back; kidnapping complete.”

                Jasper always made Peridot nervous for some reason.  She was pretty enough in her own way though her dark skin was interrupted by patches of missing pigment due to vitiligo.  Her hair was long, dyed light brown and kind of wild-looking if not pulled back and her gold-brown eyes seemed to peer into one’s very soul.  Peridot figured her uneasiness could stem from that, but it was probably also because Jasper stood nearly six feet tall and was muscular and…oh yeah…her army training meant she could likely kill someone with her bare hands.  For all Peridot knew…she might have.  “Hello Peri.  Please sit down.” 

                She sat at the table next to Amethyst.  “Why did you want to see me?”

                Jasper set down mugs of hot cocoa for them.  “Amethyst told me you two are no longer on speaking terms and that didn’t make sense to me because for as long as I’ve known you, which is as long as you’ve known each other, you two have hardly been separable.  So, I asked Ames to explain what happened between you two.”

                Peridot shot her friend a look as her heartbeat sped up and her fingers trembled. 

                “She told me what happened.”  Jasper paused as if waiting for some kind of response, but Peridot sat there watching the steam rise from her mug and retreated into her mind, attempting not to feel.  “I’m very sorry you had to go through that.”

                “Ames…how could you?”

                “I honestly wasn’t sure we’d ever be friends again.”

                “You two are friends now?” Jasper asked.

                “Yeah, we made up in the car,” Amethyst told her.  She covered Peridot’s shaking hands with one of hers.  “I didn’t mean to betray your trust.  I really needed someone to talk to and Jasper is my sister, so I trust her and who knows, maybe she can help.”

                “How?  How is anyone going to help me?”  Fresh tears came to Peridot’s eyes.  So much for not feeling.  “All the people who want to help have NO IDEA how I feel!”

                “You feel broken and scared and confused,” Jasper started.  “And you feel like you failed in some way, like it’s your fault.  You’re angry because something was done to you without your permission; you want to kill the person who did this.  You feel as though your entire world no longer makes any sense and all you want to do is forget it ever happened but you can’t because it won’t leave you alone.  One minute you want to scream, then cry then punch something and this is how you feel every day, all the time because you believe you’re alone and no one could possibly understand, much less help you.  Is that pretty accurate?”

                It was exactly accurate.  Scarily accurate, so scarily accurate that Peridot realized slowly there was only one way Jasper could possibly know this.  “It happened to you, too?”

                “Yes.”

                “What?!”  Amethyst exclaimed.  “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

                “It’s not exactly something I broadcast Ames.  Besides, it happened after I was out of the house and in the army during my second deployment.  We were at war in the desert and it was a brutal time; I’d talk to someone in the morning and that afternoon we were putting them in three separate Ziploc bags.”

                “Ew, sick,” Amethyst interjected.

                “So, one night, I woke up from a sound sleep with someone on top of me and a hand over my mouth.  My very first thought is that it’s the enemy so my soldier training kicks in and I go to move my arm to fight but then I saw the dog tags…and the uniform…and I looked into his eyes and not only was this one of MY fellow soldiers, it was my sergeant.  So, I have tons, I mean TONS of training on how to fight back.  I could have very easily pushed him off and kicked his ass.”  She took a breath and shrugged.  “And I froze…absolutely froze.  This wasn’t the enemy and despite what was happening, I couldn’t attack a fellow soldier.  I pretended for the rest of our time there that it had been some kind of crazy, horrible dream because that’s the only way I could be around him without wanting to take my rifle and kill him.”

                Peridot didn’t know what to say.  She couldn’t believe someone she’d known her entire life and who always seemed strong and confident went through the same thing. 

                Amethyst crossed her arms and looked at her sister skeptically.  “How is it that you can talk about it and not become a mess like Peri?”

                “Because I went through a lot of therapy to help me.  The fighting was…unbelievable.”  She looked down into her cup and sighed as though this bothered her more than the fact she’d been raped.  “A lot of good people died…a lot of my friends.  I came home hardly able to function – I obviously had PTSD, and I mentioned to a friend not only the horrors I’d witnessed, but what had happened to me.  She suggested I get therapy and when I was there I discovered that, of course, I was altered by the war, but I also let myself realize that night had not been a dream and I had a lot of feelings – especially anger – about that incident.  I fought alongside this guy and I thought he valued me as one of his ‘men’ and as an ally.  I had even saved his life and he repays me like this?  For one night he failed to see any value I had and simply saw me as nothing more than an object.  I felt cheated, but mostly I felt like I failed as a soldier because I couldn’t do the one thing I had been trained to do and I felt as though everyone would ask about that.  ‘Why didn’t you just kick his ass’ and I had no answer.  And because I failed at that one thing I felt I had brought it on myself; that I let it happen and it was my fault.  Sound familiar?”

                Peridot nodded slowly.  “What did they tell you in therapy about that?”

                “That it wasn’t my fault; that it is NEVER your fault, no matter what you think you did or didn’t do or did but didn’t do properly.  My counselor told me that everyone hears of the ‘fight or flight’ response, but there’s a third most people have never heard of – freeze.  And that’s what I did – that’s how my brain chose to protect me from what was happening.  I worked through a lot of other feelings too, but without that I’d probably still be a bitter, angry person.”

                “So what happened to this douchebag?” Amethyst asked.

                “He deployed again and last I heard…sent home in three Ziploc bags.”  Jasper reached across the table and squeezed Peridot’s hand.  “I know right now it’s hard to believe it, but life goes on after something like this.  You need to put trust in people and if you haven’t told your parents they’re the first people I’d tell you to trust.”

                “Did you tell yours?”

                “Well, no.  As I told Amethyst, it’s not something I tell a lot of people and it’s not that I’m ashamed, don’t think that.  It’s that I’m healed and unless I need to share my story, such as now, there’s no reason to bring it up.  It’s just…personal.  I’ve confided in a few close friends and, of course, I told my husband – before we were married, actually.” 

                Peridot placed her hands on the mug, which was warm and it triggered a thought in her mind.  Warmth…life…there was life after this, maybe even relationships…maybe even sex someday.  There was not a ‘before’ or an ‘after’ – she was the same person who had something terrible happen to her, but it wasn’t the end of her.  There would be no end of her; she decided then and there she would go on, like Jasper had.   “Thank you…for telling me.” She felt that familiar pressure behind her eyes.  “I needed to know I wasn’t alone.”

                “I’ll tell you what, I leave next week, but I’ll give you my email,” Jasper told her.  “And if you need to talk about it, send me a message.  Communication over there isn’t the greatest, but I’ll stay in touch.”

                “Thank you,” Peridot whispered.

                Amethyst slid her chair closer and put an arm around her shoulders.  “You’re not alone, Per.  You have so many people who care about you.  Me, Jasper, your parents, Lapis, Pearl…I think.”

                Peridot let out a small laugh.  “I’m sure Pearl loves me.” 

                They all looked at Amethyst as her cell phone rang.  She answered and began speaking quickly.  “No…no, she’s here, she’s fine.  Yeah, here she is.” Amethyst held the phone out to Peridot.  “It’s your mom.”

                “Oh, crap…”  Taking a deep breath, Peridot accepted the phone from her friend.  “Hi, Mom.”

                “Peri, where are you?” Her voice was tinged with panic.

                “At Jasper’s with Amethyst.  I’m fine.”

                “Pearl went to your room…did you…”

                “I didn’t take any.  Really, I’m okay.”

                She heard a relieved sigh on the other end.  “You need to come home now, sweetie.  I read your letter and I think we have a lot to talk about.”

                “I’m on my way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I will say I had two characters in mind for Amethyst's sister and neither were 100% perfect, but I ultimately decided on Jasper but I did have to take a few liberties with her canon side to make her work in this fic the way I wanted - it is A/U though so I guess I have a little wiggle room there.


	6. Let it Out

** Chapter 6 – Let it Out **

                When she walked in the house, her relieved parents spent a good twenty minutes hugging her, kissing her and telling her how glad they were that she was alive.  Even Pearl cried tears of joy and hugged her so hard she couldn’t breathe.  Finally, they all sat down and she found out Pearl had called her parents after finding the open bottle of Percocet in Peridot’s room.  They both left work to rush home. 

                “I…um…I didn’t take any.”  She saw her mother open the letter and looked down at her fingers, already twisting together nervously.  “About that…”  She didn’t look up because she didn’t want to see the pity they were likely now giving her.  No one spoke for a long time.

                “Peri,” her father finally said.  “There is nothing you cannot tell us.  We wish you had come to us sooner with this so we could help you, but we understand it’s difficult and we know why you didn’t.”

                “What were you so scared of?” Her mother asked.  “You said here ‘I can’t live knowing I’ve disappointed you’.  You were…attacked; that is not your fault.  Why do you think we would be disappointed?”

                She had not been super descriptive in her letter.  They knew what had happened but she left out the exact circumstances.  “Because I brought this on myself.  I was stupid and careless.”

                “Whatever happened, I’m sure that’s not true,” her father told her.  “But, we don’t have to discuss any details you don’t want to.  Right now, we’re glad you’re safe and we are going to find a counselor near campus who can help you.”

                Peridot didn’t feel like dragging the whole ordeal up.  Truthfully, she was talked out and wanted to find something else to take her mind off of all the events of today.  “I think I’d like to be alone for a while.”  She saw her mom open her mouth to object.  “I’m not going to kill myself.  I promise.  That would have been the worst mistake of my life.”  She paused.  “Actually, it would have been the last mistake of my life.”

*

                Upon arriving back at school after break, she rushed to her dorm, thankful she’d arrived before Lapis and plucked the suicide note off her bed, ripping it up and tossing it in the trash.  What a stupid idea that had been.  Inwardly, she was very thankful Amethyst had shown up when she did.  She still felt like a mess inside and she knew there would be times the depression would be overwhelming, but everyone who had helped her that day had planted hope in her.  She would take the steps she needed to once and for all put this behind her.

                The door opened and Lapis walked in.  “I don’t know why I go home.  My parents are always on my case.  ‘Are you sure you can’t also do premed classes with this drama nonsense…you know, just in case’?” she said in a mimic-like tone with an accent.  “No because I’m not going to be a doctor!”

                “I missed you too.”

                “How are you doing?”  Lapis hugged her.

                “I’m still here.”  Peridot sat down at her desk after pulling away.  “I finally told my parents and talked to someone who went through the same thing…and they’re actually okay now – better than okay.  She told me her story without crying, without any hint of shame.  I mean, I appreciate when you or Ames tell me about articles of survivors or that you knew someone who went through it, but actually talking face to face…that’s what I needed.  Someone to tell me they knew from firsthand experience where I was coming from and that it would be okay.  So, I have an appointment this week for counseling.”

                “Are you actually going to go this time?”

                “Yeah.  I…I don’t want to hurt anymore.”  She took a deep breath.  “I was planning to kill myself over break.”

                Lapis’ eye opened wide; she strode across the room and slapped Peridot across the face.  “What the hell?!”

                “Hey, I obviously didn’t do it!” 

                “Good.”  Lapis pulled her into another hug and didn’t let go for the longest time.

*

                Peridot hadn’t asked anyone to come with her to counseling knowing they wouldn’t be allowed inside.  Her counselor’s name was Rose and according to her parents she came highly recommended and specialized in helping people in the same situation as Peridot.  The office was cozy with two bookshelves, one of books and one of toys, stress balls, stuffed animals and other odds and ends.  

                “You can use anything on that shelf.  Some people find it helps to hold or play with something.” Rose took a seat in a nearby chair.  “Your parents didn’t tell me much.  We don’t have to get into the heavy stuff right away.  Let’s get to know each other first.  Can you tell me what you like to do for fun?”

                This was a surprise.  She figured she’d have to tell her whole story right off the bat.  In fact, she’d been preparing for it.  “I’m in college, so I don’t have a lot of free time, but I’m really into computers.  I play video games sometimes.  I like watching Camp Pining Hearts and I like tinkering with stuff – like taking old electronics apart or fixing them up.”

                They spent a chunk of the time talking about Peridot’s interests and who she was as a person before she looked at the clock and realized they only had twenty minutes left.  “Don’t you want to know about…why I’m here?”

                “Only if you feel comfortable sharing.” 

                “That’s why I’m here, right?”

                “The thing is, it’s your decision, we’ll only discuss it when you want to and you only have to tell me however much you want.”

                “I don’t remember much.  I had a lot to drink that night…I…I feel like…like it was my fault, because I let myself get that wasted.”

                “It wasn’t.  You were in a vulnerable position and he took advantage of that.  There is nothing wrong with partying or drinking.  Were you feeling nervous?  Is that why you got so many drinks?”

                “No, actually, he…” she stopped with a full realization.  Amethyst had handed her the first shot, but all the other drinks came from Kevin himself.  The flirting, the faked interest, the offer to drive her.  “He gave them to me…he knew…he knew what he was doing.  I didn’t even watch him pour the last drink – he might’ve put something in it.  I’m so stupid!”

                “No talk like that here.  You are not stupid.  As you said, he knew what he was doing; he was intent on finding a victim that night.  You are not to blame for what happened to you.”

                “How long does it take for people to believe it wasn’t their fault?”

                “It’s different for everyone.  We’ll take it one session at a time and see how things go.” 

                Optimism settled in her again.  She knew this would not be an easy road – Jasper had prepared her for that – but at least now she was on the right path.

*

                It was determined she’d need twice weekly counseling for a while, especially considering her depression over the rape had driven her to the point of almost killing herself.  “I actually felt myself going insane,” she told Rose at a session soon after she’d started.  “I would rather cease existing than feel this pain any longer.  When I was about to do it was the first time I felt at peace in months.”

                “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, remember that.”

                “Trust me, I’m thankful I didn’t do it…most days.  I just didn’t have anyone to talk to and even if I could, I can hardly figure out my own feelings and they’re all over the place.”

                Rose produced a piece of paper and handed it to Peridot.  “I want you to try this exercise.  It’s a feeling triangle.  So, our thoughts, feelings and behavior are all connected and this is a way to help recognize patterns between all of these.  And it can apply to any emotional situation; it doesn’t even have to be emotional.  You could see a dog walking down the street - your thought or event – it makes you feel happy and your behavior is to smile or even pet the dog.”

                “Okay…that sounds like bullsh…”  Peridot shut her eyes and stopped herself.  She was here to try.

                “So, tell me something positive that happened recently and how you felt and reacted to it.”

                “Well, I played a new video game the other day and it made me feel…excited so I went online and posted about it on Facebook.”

                “Very good.  Now take something negative – not the rape – something else and tell me how you feel about it and what behavior you’d like to take.”

                Peridot racked her brain for a moment and finally remembered something from that very morning.  “Okay, so,  Lapis – my roommate – is on this art kick and she’s making some kind of dumb statue thing and she has useless junk all over her side of the room and today I got out of bed and stepped on a screw that found its way to my side.  I was thoroughly annoyed, but I didn’t say anything or do anything about it.”

                “What did you want to do?”

                “Push her statue out the freaking window…but we’re on the second story and that may have killed someone.”

                “Okay, so the behavior you wanted to respond with is destructive.  Can you think of a constructive behavior to apply to this situation?”

                “Telling Lapis to keep her crap on her side of the room.”

                Rose laughed a little.  “I’ll help you here a bit.  Maybe try saying: ‘Lapis, I appreciate your artistic spirit, but could you put your things away when you’re done and keep your area a little neater?’”

                Peridot took a deep breath and nodded.  “I suppose that would…yeah.” 

                “This next one is harder and I don’t want you to shut down.  We have talked about the events of that night, but you have yet to tell me how you _feel_ about it.  What do you feel when you think about the rape?”

                She was silent for the longest time trying to think of how she felt.

                “If you think too much you won’t give me a true answer.  And there is no right or wrong answer.  So, I’ll say it again and I don’t want you to think – feel – and tell me what you’re feeling.”

                Oh, Peridot was definitely feeling something…like this was stupid and annoying…

                “He gave you drink after drink with the intention of getting you blackout drunk…”

                Yes, as her heart beat faster and she felt her cheeks grow warm, she definitely felt it building as Kevin’s face flashed in her mind and she remembered the taste of alcohol. 

                “Then he took you back to your room and he raped you.”

                The way Kevin had casually talked about what he’d done when she was passed out, like he was proud of it…

                “How does that make you _feel_?”

                She was so…it made her so…  “ANGRY!  I’m mad, I’m downright pissed off!  What made him think he could do that?!”

                “Very good, Peridot.  I’m proud of you for not shutting down.  Anger is a valid emotion in this situation.  Now, what do you want to do with that anger?”

                Beat him up…kill him even, but obviously that would not happen; despite the fact she’d be arrested for it, she’d never be able to actually go through with it.  And the fact that she couldn’t, that she still felt fear overtake her whenever she looked at him made her want to…  “Scream.”

                “Go ahead.”

                “For real?” 

                “Yes.  Let it out; you have every right to be angry and if screaming will make you feel better, this is a good place to do it.”

                Peridot covered her face and let out a scream that seemed to start deep down within her, letting loose all the anger she felt at this moment and possibly even some she’d been keeping in for months.  Eventually she took a deep breath, feeling tired, exhausted even, but strangely satisfied.  “I can’t just scream whenever I want though.” 

                “No and in those instances you’ll have to do something else, like count backwards from ten or take a few deep breaths.  Have you started your journaling I suggested?”

                “Yes.”  Not that she’d written much. 

                “Writing it down is a good way to get it out.”  Rose glanced at the clock.  “We’re out of time today, but take these new techniques and try applying them to your life.  Your problem lies in identifying and expressing emotions, so I want you to work on that.”

                Peridot thought about it on the way back to campus.  Almost all the lights she hit were red and this annoyed her, but really there was nothing she could do about the situation, so she turned up the music and enjoyed it while she waited.  Upon arriving back to her room, she noticed Lapis working on her statue…or whatever it was…and moving her head around to the music playing through her headphones.  Peridot removed her shoes and immediately stepped on something sharp.  “Ow!  Damn it!”  She picked the offending piece of metal up off the floor.  She could just push her feelings down again…she could chuck it at Lapis’ head.  Or…

                Peridot went over to her friend and tapped her on the shoulder, speaking when Lapis removed her earbuds.  “Could you please be a little more careful?  I keep stepping on random things.”

                “Oh, thanks, I was looking for that.”  She gestured toward her statue.  It was really more a collection of random items probably found at a junkyard held together with wire and tape from an old video cassette.  “What do you think?  I’m calling it ‘Meepmorp’.”

                The ridiculousness of it all – the feeling triangle, Lapis’ pride over her creation and the very name ‘Meepmorp’ – made Peridot laugh, not just a little, but a good laugh that started in her belly and moved up, making her sides contract and lasted until she had to stop so she could catch her breath and wipe away her tears.  “I think you’re insane, but, it’s actually a little cool.”

                It had been forever since she’d laughed like that and it felt good to let it out.


	7. Questioning

** Chapter 7 - Questioning **

                Slowly, she could feel the effects of therapy working.  She was definitely more able to express her emotions and say what was on her mind.  It was still hard to see Kevin in classes though and she’d always go back to the things they’d talked about at the party – what she could remember of them – and what he said about them liking the same things…if that was even true.  She brought this up at a counseling session.  “I don’t know if it’s true; I don’t remember, but it bothers me.  I mean, was I flirting with him at some point…did I enjoy it on some level?”

                “There are parts of your brain that are triggered by sexual activity and other parts of your body that are programmed to respond in certain ways.  That primal part of your brain is thinking reproduction, the continuation of the human race, and it releases chemicals to make you feel good.  Not only that, your higher thinking was dulled by alcohol, leaving you unable to cognitively look at the situation and make a yes or no decision.  However, it did not mean you wanted it or liked it.”

                “Did I tell you I’m a lesbian?”

                “Yes.”

                “That’s why this is confusing.  If I flirted with him or gave him some indication I might have been interested…”

                “Peridot, your mind was altered and that can make you do things you ordinarily wouldn’t do.  In most people, alcohol makes one talkative and confident and your intention was to be friendly, not flirt.  If he took it that way then that’s on him.” 

                It was one of those days she was having trouble believing she’d done nothing wrong.  She was getting better at it, but she still carried a lot of guilt and every so often, a day like today came along where she questioned everything.  “I just wish I could remember.”

                “You know what happened and remembering details usually does not make it easier.”

                “I don’t know how I’ll ever…trust…let someone in like that.  I mean, the thought of physical intimacy is hard now.  I know it’s possible because my friend’s sister…the one I told you about…she’s married so I’m pretty sure, you know…they, well, you know…but how can it be enjoyable after something like this?”

                “It can be especially if you love the person.  Most of my patients have very fulfilling sex lives with their partners.”

                “And how many of them were active before?  Because this was my first time and I feel ruined and confused by it.”

                “The more you heal, the more those feelings will fade away.”

                Peridot nodded, still doubting this. 

*

                “Are you guys going home for spring break?” Lapis asked Peridot and Amethyst as they walked together after classes.  There was still a chill in the air, but the trees were getting their leaves, the grass was green with fresh water from recently melted snow.  They wore light jackets now and the sun was trying to peek through the clouds.

                “No,” Peridot said.  “I decided to stay – it’s only a week, there’s no major holiday and I want to keep up with my therapy since I’ll be home for the whole summer.”  She honestly wasn’t sure how that would work.  She couldn’t drive three hours each way for just a counseling session twice a week.

                Amethyst grinned.  “I am.  I’m visiting Jasper.”

                “I thought she was deployed for the next eighteen months,” Peridot said.  She vaguely remembered a post about this on Facebook before Jasper left in early January – that she and her husband would be married for a year in April and had spent very little time together, along with the hashtags: #militarylife and #dutycalls.  “I mean, I’m glad she’s home but don’t they only send soldiers home early if they’re injured?”

                “She’s not injured but there’s definitely…a bump in the road.”  Amethyst had the biggest grin on her face.  “She’s still not sure how she’s going to announce it, but basically, they don’t allow pregnant women in combat.”  Amethyst laughed.  “She’s like almost five months now – the entire time over there she had no idea.”

                Peridot smiled a little.  “That’s awesome.  So, they won’t send her back anytime soon?”

                “She still has to finish her time, but she’s home working at the base nearby until she delivers, then they won’t send her back until the baby is six months old, but she has to finish the months that she would have been over there.  She had the option of getting out and I wish she’d taken it because every time she’s over there…” Amethyst closed her eyes.  “…you know, I worry.  We all do.  The stories she comes back with are hard to hear and every time she leaves again…well…we never say goodbye.”

                “When is she due?”

                “August.”

                “Boy or girl?”

                “They’re not finding out, but she’s convinced it’s a girl.”

                “There’s someone following us,” Lapis said out of the blue.

                They turned and there stood a guy Peridot recognized from one of her classes.  He nervously raked his fingers through his blonde dreads and pushed his glasses up.  “Uh…Peridot.”

                “Hi, Ronaldo.”  

                “Um…” he looked over his shoulder at her friends who turned around and acted like they weren’t paying attention.   “I wanted to ask if you wanted to get together this weekend.”

                “Why, do you need help with an assignment?”  She heard Amethyst breathe a soft ‘aw geez…’ behind her.

                “No…I just think you’re…I want to take you…a date…maybe.”

                “Um…I actually…”  If she had to question herself; if she had to rid herself of confusion, then at least Ronaldo was a safe bet.  However, she also would feel really bad using him like that.  “I wouldn’t mind going out, but let’s not label things.  Let’s see if we even get along first.”

                “Can I pick you up at your dorm…”

                “No.  I’ll meet you outside the building.”

                “Five on Saturday?”

                “Okay.”  Oh, stars, what had she just agreed to? 

                “Uh, did I just hear right?”  Amethyst asked as Ronaldo left.  “You’re going out with him?”

                “No!  We’re simply meeting up to spend time together and see if we’re friends or…”  Crap, it was a date.

                “I thought you were…”

                “I am.  I just have to do this, okay?” 

                Amethyst put an arm around her shoulders and the three of them started back to the dorm.  “What are you going to wear?”

                Peridot couldn’t help but notice that through all this, Lapis was strangely silent.

*

                She decided she did not want to look too casual nor too done up.  She didn’t even know exactly what Ronaldo had planned, so she went with capri jeans and a jersey shirt that said: What I lack in size, I make up for in fury.  “You think this is okay?”

                “I’m sure it’s fine,” Lapis said, not taking her eyes off Camp Pining Hearts. 

                “You didn’t even look.”

                Lapis quickly glanced over.  “Well, all your clothes are fitting better now that you’re eating and getting curves.  Not…not that I’ve been looking or anything.”

                Peridot faced the mirror again; she’d often been confused for someone much younger due to her lack of curves and short stature.  Her height was not going to change, but sure enough, her chest was filled out a bit more and she had a roundness to her hips she hadn’t noticed before.  “Stars, I actually do have a figure.”

                And she wanted to cover up.  What if Ronaldo expected something at the end of this evening?  It made her feel incredibly uncomfortable to look so adult seemingly all of a sudden.  She grabbed a jacket and zipped it up.  “See you later, Lapis.”

                Lapis did not respond, but kept her eyes on the TV.  Peridot had little time to wonder about her roommate’s behavior as she was worried about how this evening would go.  What if…what if Ronaldo turned out to be just like Kevin?  She met him in the front of the dorm building as arranged and was shocked when he handed her a daisy.

                “I picked it for you,” he said with a nervous tone to his voice.

                “Wow, thanks.”  She accepted it, breaking the stem so it was shorter and putting it in her hair.  “So, what were you thinking…I mean, where are we going tonight?”

                “I thought we’d hit up the arcade on Main Street then get something to eat if that’s okay with you.”

                “That’s fine.”  This was going to be a disaster.  They were both socially awkward nerds.  She was nervous about getting in a car with a guy again, but reminded herself they were not all creeps.  On the way, they chewed over the standard conversation of majors, which classes they had and which professors they liked and didn’t like.  

                “I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to an actual arcade,” Peridot said after they had parked and were making their way up the street.  “I usually just play video games on my computer.”

                “You play Overwatch?”

                “Love it.  I usually play Symmetra.”

                “Genji is my go to.” 

                The arcade was loud and bright and almost overstimulating at first to the senses.  They started with a fighting game in which Peridot won most of the rounds and impressed Ronaldo with her skills.  “I’ve never met a woman who could kick my butt at this.”

                “It’s simple to do once you figure out all the moves and if you have fast reflexes.” 

                “Want to try those reflexes out on DDR?”

                Dancing was something Peridot had little experience with, but she supposed if she was being guided by arrows on the screen, she could figure it out.  Ronaldo chose a song in Japanese and they played a round, which led to another in which he lost his footing and fell.  Peridot crouched beside him, trying not to laugh in case he was actually hurt.  “Are you okay?”

                “I need healing…”

                A giggle escaped her and she helped him up.  An hour and a half later, they were out of quarters and played out, but overall, having a good time.  She could see him as a friend – a good friend even, but as they walked down the street again in search of food, she glanced through the window of a donut shop and thought the girl at the counter looked kind of cute. 

                “What are you in the mood for?”  Ronaldo asked.

                “I’m not picky.”

                “Well, if it isn’t Perihot.” 

                Damn it…not now.  She turned.  “What do you want?”

                Kevin looked at Ronaldo.  “Just so you know, she’s an easy lay if you liquor her up.”

                Peridot felt anger again.  Why had she ever talked to this asshole in the first place?  But she couldn’t scream here.  Ten…nine…eight…

                “I know you did not just say that about a lady.”  Ronaldo’s voice held warning.

                “She’s not a lady…”

                Seven…six…five…

                “…she’s a slut.”

                Nope…counting was not working.  She caught a glance of the lettering on her shirt and that’s what she was fueled by…anger and fury.  Before she knew what she was doing, she marched up to Kevin and punched him in the face.  “You unbelievable DICK!”

                Kevin was in shock for only a moment before he drew his fist back.  “You’ll pay for that, you little bitch!”

                Peridot shut her eyes expecting to be hit and heard flesh connect, but she had not felt any pain.  Opening her eyes she saw Ronaldo in front of her, holding Kevin’s fist in his hand and looking pissed off.  “Were you really just about to hit a woman?”  His grip tightened around Kevin’s fist.  “Because if you do, I will break every bone in your hand and possibly your body.” 

                Kevin got an annoyed look on his face but pulled away and walked off.  Peridot’s heart was racing and her hands were shaking, but she had been spared…saved and realized Ronaldo was a genuinely good guy.  This still did not change the fact that she had no attraction to him, but it did mean that maybe she was ready to expand her social circle. 

                “Are you okay?” he asked. 

                “I’m fine.”

                “He had no right to talk about you that way.”

                “No, especially when I did nothing wrong.”  It was only after the words were out that she realized what she said.  For months, she had focused on everything SHE had done that night and blamed herself.  She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  No, it was HIS fault, not hers.  He was the one who got her drunk, who convinced her he was nice, who drove her back and he was the one who forced himself on her once he knew she couldn’t say no.  “I did nothing wrong.”

                “I’m sure you didn’t.  You have a history with him, I guess.”  When she hesitated to answer, he continued. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

                “I really don’t.  I’m sorry he ruined our night.”

                “He didn’t, just a minor hiccup.  You like pizza?”

                “Yeah.” 

                It was after they were seated in the pizza parlor that they started talking again and she felt a little more at ease.  “What toppings do you like?”

                “Anchovies and pineapple,” he answered.  When she made a face, he laughed.  “I thought you said you weren’t picky.”

                “I did but what kind of combination is that anyway?”

                “Pepperoni?”

                “Sounds good.” 

                While they waited, an awkward silence settled around them again.  He spoke first.  “Peridot.”

                “Peri…my friends call me Peri.  I’d like to consider you a friend.”

                “Peri,” he repeated thoughtfully.  “I think friends are a good idea.  I mean, you’re great to hang out with and cute, of course, which is one of the reasons I asked you out, but I’m just not feeling anything else.”

                “There’s no spark. “

                “Exactly!”

                “I understand.  I don’t feel it either.”  She’d pick a different time to spring the gay card on him.  “But, from what I’ve seen tonight, whoever does end up dating you is a very lucky girl indeed.”

*

                When she arrived back at the dorm, Lapis was standing in the middle of the floor as if she’d been pacing.  “How was it?  Not that I’m interested.”

                “It went fine.  We decided to be friends.  I still like girls.”

                “Oh…good.”  Lapis looked away and kept her down mumbling something.

                “What?”

                “Would you like to go out with me sometime?”

                She laughed.  “Good one, Lapis.”

                Lapis kept her gaze down and spoke quietly.  “I’m not kidding.  I’ve thought you were cute since the beginning of the year, but then…well…everything happened and it wasn’t the right time.  Now you’ve been on a date, so you’re obviously ready to consider dating and I’m wondering…if you’d consider me.”

                Peridot hadn’t been expecting this.  She knew Lapis was beautiful…anyone could see that and they had discovered recently they had a lot in common, but she had no idea Lapis had felt this way.  “Yes, I’ll go on a date with you.” 


	8. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going to get into some slightly NSFW territory in this chapter. ;)
> 
> Also, yes, I made Bismuth a guy in this story because I can imagine them being married and in love, but for the surprise pregnancy story to pan out, I had to do a little gender bending with Bismuth.   
> (For those who may have read this under my old name, it was eluded to that her husband was Bismuth but never confirmed, so I'm confirming it. :) )

** Chapter 8 – Heat **

                One date turned into a second and then a third…it was a little weird to go out and come back to the same place.   After the third date, when they walked into the room holding hands, Lapis didn’t seem to want to let go and neither did Peridot for that matter.  She was very new to this…she wasn’t sure what exactly dating was supposed to entail, as she’d never been in a relationship before.  She also knew relationships lead to other things and despite the progress she’d made, she wasn’t sure she was ready for that.  She squeezed Lapis’ hand.  “I had a great time.”

                “Really?  You seem nervous.” 

                “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

                “Talk to me, Peri.”

                She looked down and intertwined her fingers with Lapis’.  “I have never been in a relationship and I don’t know what to expect.  I’m scared, but I want to continue.”

                “I understand.”

                “I don’t think you do.  I feel damaged by what Kevin did to me.  I’d never done anything before – never let anyone get beyond kissing and even that didn’t happen often.  I don’t know what things are supposed to feel like…or what emotions go behind them…or when these things are supposed to happen.”

                “They happen when they’re supposed to, naturally and when you want to.  Peridot, I may not understand firsthand what you’ve been through, but I do understand why you’re scared.  We can take things slow, but you have to make an effort to break out of your comfort zone.  I like you, a lot and I want – someday – all the things that come with a relationship.” 

                “My only experience with sex I don’t remember and it left me so shaken I almost killed myself over it.”  Peridot crossed the room and perched on the end of her bed.  “Trust me, healing is happening, but I’m sure you can understand why I’m not thrilled about the idea…even if it’s with a girl…even if it’s with you.”

                Lapis sat next to her on the bed and took her hand again.  “Well, I mean you must have some idea.  Surely you’ve…you know…pet your cat?”

                “What?”  Then Peridot’s eyes opened as she got what Lapis was talking about.  “Oh my stars – no.”

                “Well no wonder you’re not excited.”

                “Can we talk about something else?  Anything?  Please.”

                Lapis laughed.  “Sure, but first, can I kiss you?” 

                It meant the world that Lapis had asked her permission so she nodded.  The way her girlfriend pressed her lips against Peridot’s was warm and gentle and made her tingle with excitement to her fingertips.  Lapis deepened the kiss and pulled her into an embrace.  Peridot even opened her mouth allowing her girlfriend’s tongue to play with her own.  She took the opportunity for air when Lapis pulled away and moved on to her neck.  Peridot’s hands moved to Lapis’ shoulders as the sensation of having that sensitive area kissed and nibbled at caused shivers to move down her spine.  Her eyes fell on her pillow and the wall behind it.  She remembered looking in the mirror and seeing the hickeys.  She remembered the shame.  Her heart sped up and she felt panic run through her mind. 

                _No_ , she told herself, _this is Lapis of all people._

                Lapis was her friend first, her girlfriend second…and her hand was on Peridot’s lower back then sliding into her shirt.  Lapis respected her; she listened to her. 

                _She’ll listen to me…_

                And Peridot pulled away.  “Stop, please stop.”

                Lapis held her hand gently.  “Of course.  I will always stop if you tell me to.” 

                “And I promise I’ll break out of my comfort zone.  Little by little.”

*

                Peridot figured this was not something she could talk to Rose about.  There was probably some rule about Rose giving out sex advice, so she turned to the one person she knew would have things to teach her. 

                “Oh man, you’ve never even…” Amethyst made a gesture with her hand. 

                “No, okay, I haven’t!”   Peridot looked at the tabletop slightly embarrassed despite the fact the coffee shop they were in wasn’t very busy.  It was now well into May and the warm weather had enticed people to spend time outdoors.  “I just never thought about it.”

                “Well, have you ever been turned on?”

                The other night with Lapis, she most definitely was as she’d allowed her girlfriend’s hands inside her shirt for the first time.  Until those unsettling thoughts found their way into her mind.  Then she was reminded how damaging it could be and she confided these feelings to her best friend. 

                Amethyst gave her an understanding smile.  “You’re going to be okay.  I mean you’re already doing great having therapy only once a week now.  When you finally do it, it won’t be damaging because it’ll be a choice.  It’ll be freeing and you can take all those bad thoughts and feelings and let it go.  It’s going to be a wonderful experience, I just know it will.”

                “You think so?”

                “I enjoy doing it.  Plus, I’ve never been in love and I know that’s something you’re going to wait for, so it’ll be extra awesome.”

                “Were you nervous?”  Peridot asked.  “Before your first time?”

                “Everyone is.  That part’s normal.”  Amethyst shrugged.  “But, trust me, you get past it and then it’s amazing.”

                Yeah, she kept hearing how amazing it was, but not how to get past her fear.  She knew who she could talk to but that was not a conversation she wanted to have over the phone.  She would be going home soon for the summer though.  She could talk to Jasper then.

*

                Everything seemed to be put on hold during finals week.  Peridot didn’t touch her computer except to do school work; she didn’t watch TV or hang out with friends.  Of course, all her friends were much too busy with their own studies.  She and Lapis even took to studying where they couldn’t see each other to avoid temptation. 

                Finally, that week was over – Peridot had found herself with straight A’s yet again; she’d arranged to have weekly Skype sessions with Rose to continue therapy and she was packing up her things to head home for the summer.  She’d also arranged to work part time at the same electronics store she’d worked at last summer.  She didn’t wish Amethyst goodbye as they’d be three houses away, but she hugged Lapis for the longest time and savored the feeling of her girlfriend stroking her hair. 

                “I have something for you,” Lapis said, handing her an envelope.  “Open it when you’re alone…really alone.”  She winked. 

                She accepted it and slipped it in her backpack.  “Wow, thanks.”  She felt Lapis gently kiss her forehead, then her nose and finally her lips.  “I’m going to miss you.”

                “I’ll miss you too.”

                The drive home was uneventful but she imagined how this summer would go.  Her winter break had not been a good time and she wondered exactly how her parents would treat her or what they might want to know now that she had been in therapy.  However, upon arriving home there were hugs and conversation about things that didn’t involve the past.  Instead, her parents started out by telling her how good she looked and were more interested in her classes and grades and once she told them she was dating they had numerous questions about her girlfriend. 

                It was later that night when she was helping her mother with the dishes and her father was upstairs that her mom started that conversation she’d been dreading.   “How is counseling going?”

                “Good.  I’m getting more confidence and I’m finally learning to accept it wasn’t my fault.”

                “Of course it wasn’t.  You’re a good girl.  I know you’d never put yourself in a situation like that.”

                Peridot set down the water glass she held.  “Mom, that is exactly why I thought…I thought I brought it on myself.  And I can’t think that way or I’ll slip right back into thinking it was my fault.”

                “I figure he must’ve hurt you…or threatened you.  I wanted to wait to ask, but you can tell me if you’d like to.”

                “I don’t think you want to hear that.  Honestly, I don’t remember much anyway.”

                Her mom passed a dish to her.  “I’ve heard about that.”

                “What?”

                “When your mind blocks it out because it’s too painful.”

                “Yeah…” Slowly she circled the towel over the dish and realized there was no way to tell either of them without shattering their image of her.

*

                Between their schedules, it was a couple of weeks before she and Amethyst were able to go visit Jasper.  She was happy for the company.  “I swear,” she said as she led them into the house.  “Bismuth is getting on my nerves.”

                “Bismuth?” Peridot asked.

                “Her husband,” Amethyst said simply.

                They sat in the living room sipping lemonade.  “I swear, anything I try to do, he says it’s not good for the baby.”  Jasper moved some hair out of her eyes, most of it was still light brown, but her roots were coming in dark.  “I want to dye my roots – ‘oh, no, think of the chemicals’.  I go to fill up the car – ‘no, let me, the fumes’.  I painted the nursery – that was quite a discussion.” 

                “They don’t have fights; they have ‘discussions’,” Amethyst told Peridot.

                “I carried her for four months not knowing it on the battlefield.  Got blasted fifty yards away when a bomb fell nearby, got up and kept going.  I still do an hour at the gym every day.  If she’s anything like me, I’m pretty sure she’s strong enough to survive a little paint and hair dye.”  Jasper put a hand on her stomach.  “That’s right; your mama’s a warrior.”

                Peridot smiled.  “It’s a girl?”

                Jasper’s husband walked through the room.  “We don’t know that for sure.”

                “I do,” Jasper said assuredly.  “It’s a girl and she’s gonna be just like me.”

                He laughed.  “I’m not sure the world is ready for two of you.”

                “Well, it’ll have to be or it’ll have to take one of us out.”

                Peridot noticed that Jasper almost seemed more feminine than she remembered – glowing even.  Though she was still obviously toned and fit, the rigidness of her muscles had softened.  She’d never seen her in a dress, but the dark maxi dress she wore suited her.  “How are you doing?  Any symptoms?”

                “I’m fine, actually.  Tired sometimes; the further along I get the more I feel like she’s sucking the life out of me.”

                “Okay, since you get on me about my eating habits, what about cravings?”  Amethyst asked.

                “Not at all.”

                “Yes!” her husband chimed in from the kitchen.

                “Just healthy stuff.”

                Bismuth walked back into the living room.  “Are you kidding me or are you not the same woman who just yesterday said – and I quote – she would ‘absolutely die’ if she didn’t get a mint Oreo Blizzard because ‘the baby wanted it’?”

                Jasper shot him a look and then laughed.  “Why don’t you and Amethyst find some project to work on.  Peri needed to talk to me.”  Once they had gone, she turned her attention to Peridot.  “What did you need help with?”

                Peridot sighed.  “I’m in a relationship.”

                “Good.”

                “Every time we get a little further away from kissing, I get really uncomfortable with it.  I’m worried I’ll remember something.” 

                “That’s a very real possibility, but if you never try, you’ll never know.”

                “Step out of my comfort zone…that’s what Lapis said.”

                “You definitely shouldn’t push yourself if you’re not really ready, but sometimes you  need to take little steps to overcome your fear.”

                “How long did it take you to…you know…after it happened?”

                “Two days.” 

Peridot raised her eyebrows.  “Really?  Only two days?”

“Hey, war is lonely, but really I thought if I made a choice about it then maybe it would help erase the memories of that night.  It didn’t and to be comfortable with sex took longer.”  She sat back and studied Peridot.  “You’re what – twenty now?”

                “I will be in August.”

                “Okay, if I remember correctly, your parents are very conservative, right?  What is their attitude about sex?”

                “We don’t talk about it, but they’ve made it very clear growing up that we supposed to be good girls and good girls don’t sleep around, they wait because school is more important.”

                “That’s what I want you to realize – you’re almost twenty and that’s not a girl – you’re an adult and you can make these decisions with or without the approval of your parents.  In fact, your parents don’t have to know.  Another thing, every time I see you you’re dressed in jeans and t-shirts, or an appropriate dress – clothes that make you look younger than you are.  If you continue to try and be a ‘good girl’ for the sake of your parents and dress like that, they and everyone else will see you that way and you’ll feel like you’re – what, thirteen?”

                Peridot looked down at her jeans and T-shirt with a popular meme on the front of it.  She did look like a young teenager rather than a young woman.  “You think confidence will help me break out of my comfort zone?”

                “Absolutely.  One thing I found helped was being the one instigating the intimacy.  That may help – instead of waiting for her to kiss you, kiss her first.  Feeling in control may also boost your confidence.”

                “And if I remember something?  If having sex makes me scared?  What then?”

                “Then stop, but I’m pretty sure that if you have a connection with this woman you’ll want to keep going when the time is right.  Love between two people brings many good things.”  Jasper’s hand was on her stomach; she looked down and smiled.  “Isn’t that right?”

*

                Later that night, when she couldn’t sleep, Peridot pulled out the letter Lapis had written her.  Well, she was alone…really alone after all.  No time like now to unravel this mystery.  The letter started out fairly standard then got into descriptive, very descriptive details.  “Oh my stars!” 

                She quickly folded it up not intending to read this…this very adult material. 

_You’re an adult._

                She was, after all.  Slowly, she unfolded the letter and lay down on her bed to read it.  Her heart quickened and she put a hand to her chest as if to calm it as she read Lapis’ fantasy.  Yes…she might like that too…and that…and her hand was now a little more to the side of her heart as she read on.  She released a small sigh as her imagination ran away with her and slid her hand down her stomach.             

_Have you ever been turned on?_

                Peridot definitely was now as she realized that her girlfriend was very skilled at writing and bit her lip.  Her legs felt restless and tingly…she took a deep breath.  “Mmmmmm….”

_Surely you’ve…you know…_

                Oh, Lapis…she knew what Peridot needed while they were away from each other.  She felt close to her girlfriend in this moment reading on about erotic adventures yet to be had.  She closed her eyes and imagined how it would feel to have Lapis touch her, to hold her.  She felt her breathing speed up with her heart as she gasped.  “Hnnnn…” 

                Her head tilted back cradled by her pillow and as a wave of electricity flowed through her she crushed the letter in her free hand.  Now it was just her imagination and it was GOOD!  She pressed her lips together to keep from crying out.  No…it wasn’t working, the electricity was building and then another more powerful wave surged through her and she gasped.  “Oh my stars!”

                Peridot’s left hand now had a death grip on the letter and she felt it tear a little under her fingernails as she panted for air. Finally, the electricity proved to be a storm of lightning setting her body on fire as her breath caught in her throat and then she let out a heavy, but pleased sigh as her body relaxed.  “Wow…”  She opened the letter again and smiled.  “Thanks, Lapis.”


	9. Warrior

** Chapter 9 – Warrior **

                “I think I need a new tattoo,” Amethyst said as she tried to decide what she should wear that afternoon.

                Peridot rolled her eyes.  She lay on Amethyst’s bed reading a magazine.  “Don’t you have enough?  You have the flowers on one shoulder, the barbed wire around your ankle, the triple star tramp stamp, and I won’t even bring up the other one.”

                “Yeah…let’s not mention that one.”  Amethyst pulled on the top of her shirt slightly exposing some skin.  “I’m thinking like a unicorn on my left boob.”

                “It’ll look like a wrinkled giraffe by the time you’re seventy.”

                “What would you suggest I get, Per?”

                “How about two roses on your boobs?  Then when you’re seventy they’ll be long stems.”

                Amethyst took off the white top she wore and pulled on an almost identical black one.  “Well, what would you get?”

                “I don’t know.  Something that means something and I definitely wouldn’t get it on my boob.”  She turned the page and as if the magazine had been listening in, there was an article about tattoos, actually a very specific tattoo that spoke to her on a personal level. 

                “So, what do you need to get at the mall?”

                “I was thinking of looking into new glasses –my prescription’s fine, I just want something a little more…mature.”  Green frames were fine, but gold or silver would definitely have a more refined look.

                “Why not get contacts?”

                “They irritate my eyes.  I probably should also get Jasper a baby gift.”

                “It’s so weird she’s having a baby.”  Amethyst was done picking out clothes and ran a brush through her recently touched-up lilac hair.  “I never saw her as the motherly type and she obviously didn’t plan this.”

                Peridot shrugged.  “At least they’re married and stable and were planning on kids at some point.  It just moved up the timeline.  I mean, from the way I’ve seen her act, she obviously wants the baby.”

                “It’ll suck for the kid though having one parent gone if they end up getting deployed again.  I brought this up to her too and she just says ‘that’s military life’ – doesn’t sound like much fun to me.”

                “It’s the choice they both made I guess.” 

                Amethyst popped some hoop earrings in her ears.  “Okay, I’m ready.”

                _About time_ , Peridot thought as she sat up and stretched.

                “Oh wait, shoes!”  Amethyst opened her closet again. 

                Peridot flopped back on the bed.  Never mind, this would take a while.

*

                Pearl always visited for a week during the summer right around Peridot’s birthday at the beginning of August.  Peridot had never really gotten along with her sister, but that was due to the age gap of six years.  Pearl had moved several hours away and now they hardly saw each other.  However, now she figured since Amethyst was getting along so well with her older sister, maybe she could find some common ground with Pearl. 

                “You look…different,” Pearl said upon seeing her sister for the first time since Christmas.  “Did you get new glasses?”

                “Yeah, they came in last week.”

                “That’s what’s different; you look older and not quite so thin as you were…last time.”

                It wasn’t that Peridot was going to change her whole wardrobe overnight – she still liked jeans and flannel and T-shirts with memes or silly drawings on them, but today she wore capri khakis with a light green polo shirt.  She’d experimented with makeup, but decided she still didn’t like it all that much. As for last time… “I’ve been taking care of myself.”

                “That’s good.” 

                Awkward silence settled between them again and Peridot wished she could think of something they had in common, but just couldn’t.  Pearl had been out of the house before Peridot even started figuring out who she was and now they didn’t know each other.  Even so, Pearl suggested they go to lunch together.  “Do you like sushi?  Oh, you’ve probably never had it.”

                “I love it.  The place near the mall is great.”

                “It’s hard to order there; they all speak Japanese.” 

                “I speak Japanese.”

                “Since when?”

                “I took four years in high school – I’m still pretty fluent.”

                “I…I didn’t know that.”

                Peridot sighed and folded her hands in her lap.  “Because you don’t know me.”

                “Well, what do you know about me?”

                “Not much, but I’d like to. “

                “Me too.” 

                Once seated, Peridot ordered for them and then sipped her green tea while Pearl talked about her job as a teacher.  “How do you deal with all those kids all day?” Peridot asked.  “Do you have a flask of ‘teacher’s helper’ stashed in your desk?”

                Pearl laughed.  “I like what I do.  So, how about you?  Mom said you have a girlfriend now.”

                And this launched Peridot into a twenty-minute session of gushing about all the ways she liked Lapis. 

                “So…have you…?”  Pearl raised her eyebrows.

                “Oh my stars, no.”

                “Probably best considering what you’ve been through.”

                “I think it might be different with her.  In fact, I know it will be different with her.  First of all, I’ll remember it and second of all, she’s a girl.  Plus, the therapy is helping me make some kind of peace with what happened and move on.”

                “That’s good.  I had friends who went through it in college; it happens far too often, but they were party girls who went out and got smashed every weekend.  They weren’t level-headed, good girls like you.”

                Peridot wanted to get angry, but she counted down in her head, let out a breath and folded her hands on the table.  “Pearl, what do you and Mom and Dad think happened that night?”

                “Well, we’re not exactly sure, I mean, you haven’t told us anything, but we figure you must’ve been studying with him or something and he held you down…that’s not it is it?”

                She sipped her tea for a moment before answering.  “First of all, I’m not a ‘girl’ anymore – I’ve grown up and I got a little tired of always being so good.  That night, I _was_ partying and I _was_ drinking and for all I know he put something in my drink…or I was just very drunk…either way, I trusted him to get me to my dorm safely and he betrayed that trust.”

                “Oh, Peridot…”

                “It’s taken me hours of therapy to get where I am now, finally believing it wasn’t my fault and I’m afraid if Mom and Dad know they’ll try to push the blame on me.”

                “Do you really think they’d do that?”

                “Not intentionally, but I can just hear them now: ‘you should have had more sense’, ‘you’re underage’, ‘what were you thinking’.  I was in a dark, dark place after it happened and I never want to go there again.  I almost killed myself, Pearl; I almost ended my life.  Do you know what that kind of hopelessness feels like?”

                Pearl gave her a sad smiled.  “I can’t say I do, but I can say how scared I was, as were Mom and Dad when we found those pills and read that letter.  I don’t think they would do or say anything that would drive you back to those feelings and I think if you’re as grown up as you say, you’ll be empowered enough to talk to them about this.  No matter how old we get, they’re still our parents and they love us.”

                “I’ll consider it.”

                And Peridot did, for a few days so she could speak to them after her birthday.  They got her a birthstone jewelry set and took her to dinner.  She was twenty now…no longer a teenager even and after everything she’d been through and the healing that came with it, she felt much more ready to discuss these difficult matters with her parents.  She thought about the word Pearl had used – ‘empowered’.  Rose used that word a lot too, but Peridot didn’t yet feel quite that way about herself.  More confident, definitely, but ‘empowered’ – no.   Before talking to her parents, she confided her feelings to Jasper via text, who responded back: “My therapist threw around that word a lot too.  It has something to do with being confident in yourself and who you are – so confident you’ll be able to express yourself freely and stand up for what you believe in.”

                _Well, it must be easy to feel ‘empowered’ when you’re built like a freaking amazon_ , Peridot thought. 

                Another text: “But you have to first try – you have to be willing to speak up and let them know what you’re thinking.  The more you do this, the more confidence you get and more empowered you feel.”

                She tapped the phone against her hand.  Jasper had a point and she knew her parents had been wanting to talk about it and she’d been wanting to tell them.  So, later that night when she knew they’d both be in the living room, she sat down on the couch a seat away from her mother and close to her father’s favorite recliner.  They were watching one of their favorite shows, so she decided to wait until it was over, sitting quietly on the couch. 

                “What’s up, sweet pea?” her father asked during a commercial. 

                “I wanted to talk to you guys, but it can wait.” 

                Her mom turned off the TV.  “No, we always have time for you.  Is this about…you know?”

                “Yes and, you can say it – I was raped – it’s not going to hurt me to hear what I already know.”  Peridot crinkled her nose as she usually did when she was trying to think.  “But, I haven’t told you about it much because I had a lot to work through and it took a lot of time and hours of therapy to get me to this point.  I no longer see it as my fault and I’ve learned to accept that it happened and I can’t change that.  Now, I’m working on the moving on part…that’s kind of hard because there’s something I think you should know.”  She took a deep breath and released it slowly.  She was about to tell her own parents about her actions that night…actions they may not condone; actions they may condemn her for.  That ‘feeling triangle’ popped into her head and she almost laughed.  Now, how was she feeling?  Nervous.  What was she going to do?  She was going to stand her ground and tell them – that’s what she’d decided.  “I went to a party that night and I was talking to this guy who gave me a few drinks and I don’t know if he put something in one of them or if I just went overboard but that’s why I don’t remember anything.  I put my trust in some guy I hardly knew and he really…really betrayed that trust.   I will never do anything like that again.  I honestly thought this happened to other girls…I never thought it would be me.”

                Silence filled the room for several minutes and her confidence began to wane.   Peridot looked down at the floor, twisting her fingers together nervously.

                Finally, her mother spoke.  “Do you honestly not remember anything?  Or are you just saying that to protect us?”

                “I remember a few things…but I was pretty much passed out.  I don’t think remembering would help anyway.  I saw the…bruises…the aftermath all over my body…I know what happened.  I’m sorry if this is hard to hear, but I got the feeling from Pearl you wanted to know.”

                “There is nothing you can’t tell us,” her father said, leaning in and covering her hand.  “We don’t blame you and it’s not your fault, no matter what you did that night.” 

                Her mother scooted closer to her on the couch.  “Peri, we’re glad you told us.  That took a lot of courage.  And we’re happy that the therapy is working.  You seem so much happier now.” 

                Why had she ever doubted them?  Her parents had not yelled at her or condemned her actions that night.  That made her feel happy.  So, she smiled.

*

                The text came from Amethyst on a Tuesday on the third week of August early in the morning.  “I’ve been at the hospital for HOURS and my parents are driving me nuts.  Please come and bring coffee – A”

                Peridot squinted at the phone, not comprehending at first why Amethyst was in the hospital.  She slid her glasses on and re-read the text.  No, she had written ‘at the hospital’…and then it hit her.  It must be Jasper.  She was having the baby.  Peridot quickly pulled some clothes on and ran out of the house.  She drove a little too quickly toward the hospital, stopping at a drive thru coffee stand on the way getting Amethyst her favorite caramel mocha. 

                The maternity ward was on the sixth floor and she found Amethyst with no problem.  “Ames, how’s it going?”

                “Good.”  Amethyst took the coffee and chugged as much as she could.  “We’ve been here like all night.”

                “How’s Jasper?”

                “Fine, I guess.  We talked to Bismuth about twenty minutes ago and he says she’s hopefully close to delivering, but first babies take a while.” 

                Peridot greeted Amethyst’s parents and then sat next to her best friend in a corner chair for the next two hours talking until finally Amethyst gave an exasperated sigh.  “Come on, Jasper!  What’s taking so long?”

                “I was in labor with you for over a day, Ames,” her mother said.  “So, just chill.” 

                “Aw man, I could be here till tonight…”  Amethyst dramatically fell out of her chair and lay on the floor.  Her drama only lasted a moment before she sat down again.  “Did I tell you Bismuth has a list on their fridge about ‘why my wife is crying now’ – apparently she can cry, though I’ve never seen it.”

                “What was on the list?”

                Amethyst laughed.  “Stupid stuff, like ‘watched a video about a puppy’, ‘realized we had chocolate in the house’, ‘heard dolphins can be gay and thought it was sweet’.”  She continued chortling now that Peridot thought it was just as funny.  “Like, she didn’t even shed a tear at her wedding and now she’s crying because of hormones and it’s kind of hilarious.”

                They stopped laughing as Jasper’s husband came into the waiting room, looking thoroughly exhausted but overjoyed.  “She was right – it’s a girl.”

                Amethyst’s parents bombarded him with questions and he rambled off the height and weight and that they still were undecided on the name.  Amethyst’s parents got to go see her first while Peridot and her friend sat down again. 

                “I wonder who the baby looks like,” Amethyst wondered aloud.  “I mean if it looks like Jasper, do you think she’ll also get vitiligo?”

                “I don’t know.”  Peridot honestly didn’t, having never really researched the condition.  Jasper’s skin had always been uneven and she’d just kind of accepted her the way she was. 

                Finally, it was Amethyst’s turn and she dragged Peridot along despite the latter saying she was not a family member and she wasn’t sure it was okay.  But despite these protests, when she entered the room with Amethyst, Jasper seemed happy to see her.  Of course she was probably happy overall sitting in the hospital bed holding her baby.  “Come meet Alexandrite.”

                “We’re not naming her that,” Bismuth said.

                “Yes we are.”

                “No.”

                “Ye-“

                “No.”

                “He likes really girly names.  I wanted to give her a strong name.” 

                Peridot peered over Amethyst’s shoulder.  She’d never seen a baby so tiny.  Her face was a bit scrunched up, but her nose and mouth were perfectly shaped.  Her head was covered with a standard hospital cap and dark hair was poking out from under it.  Jasper appeared exhausted – pale and her hair damp with sweat – but Peridot figured this was probably normal after having a baby. 

                “Can I hold her?”  Amethyst asked. 

                Jasper gently handed the baby to her sister.  “Be careful.”

                Amethyst cradled the baby, kissing her forehead, while Jasper lay back and Bismuth rubbed her shoulder.  “Tired?” he asked.

                And it was Peridot who first noticed something was not right.  The monitor next to the bed seemed to be speeding up – well, the pulse was anyway, the blood pressure was dropping.  Jasper put a hand to her chest, gasping for breath and blood was running from the IV site.

                “Sis, are you okay?”  Amethyst stepped closer and almost lost her footing as something caused her to slide.  She clutched the baby close and regained her composure, looking down to see what she had slipped on.  

                It was blood.  Blood that traveled down from the bed and had pooled on the floor.  The monitor let out some kind of alarm, likely alerting medical personnel that there was a major problem, still, Peridot was immediately at the door yelling for help. 

                “Jasper…” Amethyst said as though she was about to cry.  “Don’t…don’t be scared.  It’s going to be fine.”

                “Heh,” Jasper managed, struggling to hold on to consciousness.  “Scared…I don’t get scared.  I’m a…” she tried to take a deep gasp. “…a warrior.”  She reached out, touching her baby’s head.  “Your…mama’s a…warrior…”

                “Jasper, you…you can’t…”

                “No…don’t.”  She was shaking now, no doubt going into shock and her voice getting weaker with every word.  “We…don’t…say…good…bye…”

                “Keep holding my hand, Jasps,” Bismuth told her as doctors and nurses rushed in to help.  “Keep holding on.  You can do this.”

                Her voice was hardly above a whisper as she was given oxygen.  “I’m…a warrior…”  Her lips moved with no sound for a few seconds and then her eyes closed. 

                A nurse took the baby from Amethyst.  “You need to leave now.”  And both Amethyst and Peridot were shown from the room. 

                Standing outside, both of them shaken by what they just witnessed, Peridot covered her mouth with her hand and Amethyst wrapped her arms around herself.  “How can this happen?” she asked.

                Peridot took a deep breath, feeling slightly sick at the sight of all that blood.  “She’s young, she’s healthy…you heard her, she’s a warrior – a fighter.”

                They retreated to the waiting room, where Amethyst told her parents and they all sat in silence for what seemed like forever.  It went over and over in Peridot’s head and she wondered how this could happen.  It should not happen – not in a developed country with the finest medical technology available.  Women gave birth every day and were just fine.  They’d help her – they’d give her blood, they’d help her breathe, they’d fix her up so she could go home with her baby.  They had to.

                But, an hour later when the doctor walked into the room with defeat written all over his face, Peridot hardly listened to his words. 

                “Amniotic embolism…”

                Amethyst’s grip tightened on Peridot’s hand.

                “Did everything we could…”

                Her mother let out a sob and her father held her, shaking his head. 

                “I’m very sorry.”

                Peridot felt a tear slide from her eye, then another.  At the end of it all, the words didn’t matter.

Only one truth rang clear.   

                Their warrior had fallen.


	10. Survivors

** Chapter 10 – Survivors **

                Peridot checked on Amethyst every day, even when she said she didn’t want to see people.  “I’m not people; I’m your best friend.  Besides, you were there for me when I needed you.” 

                “It just makes no sense, Per.”  Amethyst was deflecting to anger as she paced in her room.  “Deployed four times, survived the heat of battle, survived an explosion and fighting, while pregnant!  And in what universe does it make any amount of sense to take her out like…like this?  She would have rather fallen on the battlefield!”

                Peridot recalled the way Jasper had talked about having the baby, how she had prepared for it and the look of pure joy on her face when she held the tiny miracle she’d brought into the world and wasn’t sure Amethyst was right.  She may not have known Jasper as much as her own sister had, but Peridot did know that going to war, Jasper had seen the worst of humanity; she had seen the kind of atrocities people could inflict on others – she’d experienced one of the worst herself – and yet, she had made the ultimate sacrifice, not killing on the battlefield, but in bringing another life into the world.  She had continued humanity hoping the next generation might be better than the last. 

                She figured, however, it was best not to voice this opinion to Amethyst when she was hurting so badly.  She didn’t understand loss in terms of death, but in the last year, both of them had experienced loss of some kind.  Her mind traveled back to that October morning when she’d woken to discover she’d lost her innocence, her idea of a perfect world and her trust of others.  It had taken time to heal from that – she was still healing and she recalled how raw those wounds felt in her heart when they were fresh.  Now Amethyst had lost her sister and she had wounds that were new and bleeding…and undoubtedly hurting.  All she could do was be there.  Peridot stopped Amethyst’s pacing and hugged her.  “She was a great soldier, a true friend and a wonderful sister.”

                Amethyst nodded, pressing her lips together in an attempt to stop the threatening tears.  She took a breath.  “Bismuth said she was a pretty terrific wife.  And she was a mother, too…briefly.  Do you think she was scared…even though she said she wasn’t?”

                “I think she faced the end like she faced everything – with bravery and determination.”

                “That sounds like her.”

                It did.  Jasper had, by all accounts, been a survivor, rising above what she saw and experienced to get up, brush the sand off her uniform and keep fighting.  It wasn’t fair that she had been taken by a rare complication during childbirth, but Peridot imagined Jasper shrugging and updating her FB status: #thatslife.  Remembering Jasper’s spirit and positive outlook made Peridot smile because if it hadn’t been for that, she wouldn’t be alive today.

*

                The funeral was the following Monday and Peridot had bought a black dress which, though appropriate, made her look even more pale.  She had applied a conservative amount of makeup and combed her hair to try and reduce the pointiness of it.  The day was sunny and it seemed to betray the gloomy and solemn mood surrounding the service.  The family was seated but everyone else stood and Peridot was thankful she’d worn flats.  

                There were no flowers, but she figured Jasper wouldn’t have wanted that.  Instead, it was a full military affair – a mahogany coffin draped in the flag, soldiers standing in dress uniforms to pay respects to their sister-in-arms.  The army chaplain spoke of Jasper’s bravery, her courage, her military achievements, but little of who she was as a person, hardly anything about her as a wife and her time as a mother had been so short it apparently wasn’t worth mentioning at all.

                All this made Peridot wonder what her funeral would have been like.  Standing with her hands together, she thought of the night in the bath she was going to slit her wrists.  She remembered choosing her own funeral attire before she sat down for a last meal of Percocet and vodka.   There had been no doubt in her mind – if Amethyst hadn’t shown up at Jasper’s insistence, she would have gone through with it.  She once again reflected on Jasper’s kindness in sharing her story and pulling Peridot out of the darkest time of her life. 

                As she left the cemetery later on, she recalled the article she’d read in Amethyst’s magazine and instead of heading home, she headed to the tattoo parlor in town.  She signed the necessary consent forms, handed over the money and sat down allowing the artist to swab her wrist with a cleanser. 

                “You don’t have any other tattoos?  You’re sure now?  There’s no going back.”

                “I’m sure.”

                “We do this one a lot.  It won’t take long.”

                The inside of her wrist was sensitive and she gritted her teeth.  It felt like a cat was scratching her over and over, then it felt like a searing pain.  And she had actually considered slicing her wrist open at one point?  She considered the words of the tattoo artist saying he did this particular tattoo ‘a lot’.  So, there were others…many others…like her who had paused.  But the pain she felt – both emotional and physical reminded her that, through it all, she was still here.  She took a breath as the tattoo artist wiped away the excess ink and wrapped her wrist in clear plastic.  She, too, was a survivor.

*

                It didn’t take her parents long at all to notice either.  Had it been somewhere else, she might have been able to cover it up, but it was meant to be visible.  It was at dinner that night her mother took one look at her wrist and immediately voiced her displeasure.  “That’s fake, right?”

                “No.” 

                “That’s not one of those gang tattoos that means you killed someone is it?” her father asked.

                Peridot laughed.  “What?  You think I’m in a gang now?  No, it’s just a semicolon.”

                Her father lowered his fork.  “I know what it is, young lady, but why that particular tattoo?”

                She remembered that she had never been the rebellious type and getting a permanent mark on her body may have taken it just a bit far unless she explained the meaning behind it.  “So, in writing, when the author wants to end a sentence, they use a period and that means a definite end to the statement, but if they just want a pause between two sentences, then they use a semicolon.  I’m writing the story of my life every day I live and, as we all know, there was a time I was going to put a period and end it.  I didn’t…I paused…and I went on.  That’s what it means.”

                Her mother gave an exasperated sigh.  “Did it have to be permanent?”

                And Peridot realized she may have gone a little far on this one.  “That’s kind of the point.  I’m doing really well, so well, Rose has suggested making our appointments every other week, but I’m not going to pretend I don’t still have dark days and she says those might never go away completely, so the point is that this is visible – to me, to everyone.”

                “Just don’t get another,” her mother said shaking her head.  “Good girls don’t cover their bodies in tattoos.”

                Peridot was about to start another conversation with “just a minute…” but decided against it.  She’d already pushed her bounds here enough.  She could tell her parents that she was not a ‘good girl’ some other time.  “Trust me, as much as it hurt, I’m not itching for another.

*

                They drove in silence, Peridot in the passenger’s seat holding flowers while Amethyst guided the car down familiar streets.  “Thanks for coming, Per.  I needed to do this before going back to school.”

                “Of course.” 

                They pulled up to the familiar house where they’d gone to visit Jasper a few times during the summer.  Peridot felt a little weird about it since she didn’t really know Jasper’s husband at all, but Amethyst was family and said she needed to see him and the baby.  She’d also said she needed emotional support, which Peridot was more than willing to give.

                Bismuth seemed tired, but agreed to see them.  “I just put Allie down, so we’ll have to be a little quiet.”

                “Allie?” Peridot asked.

                “I named her Alexandrite.”  He smiled sadly.  “How could I not?”

                They sat around the kitchen table and Amethyst produced photos she’d brought.  “Um, I know someday, we’ll tell the baby all about her mom, but I thought you might like to have some photos.  I took them over the last few years when we were getting to know each other better.”

                “Amethyst, do you think you’re never going to see the baby?”

                “I just thought…because…”

                “You’re her aunt.  I’ve already talked to your parents.  We’re going to make sure Allie grows up with family all around her.  I do appreciate the pictures though.”

                Peridot’s eyes flickered over toward the fridge where the note Amethyst had described was still there.  She couldn’t imagine Jasper crying, but at the end in fresh ink, one more entry had been made: ‘saw the face of her baby’.   There was a photo next to it of Jasper holding Allie and smiling at her with a tear sliding down her cheek. 

                “This stinks,” Amethyst said.  “She didn’t deserve this.  She would have wanted to go down fighting.”

                “She didn’t tell you, did she?  The pregnancy was always high risk.  She knew this was a very real possibility.”  His eyes fell on Amethyst.  “She was injured during her third deployment…she almost needed a hysterectomy.  They weren’t even sure she could have children and if she did, it could be dangerous for both her and the baby.  The doctor even suggested terminating the pregnancy, but she wouldn’t do it at so far along.  What ultimately took her life – the amniotic embolism – was not related to that probably, but she knew there was a chance both she and Allie may not have survived.  I like to think she passed on her strength to her daughter; Allie survived because she’s strong, but when it came down it, Jasper just couldn’t fight anymore.  If she’d wanted to go down fighting, she would have ended the pregnancy and gone back to the battlefield.  She wanted to be a mother.  I don’t think she’d regret the way she left.  She’d be happy to know her baby is healthy.”

                Peridot reflected on something Jasper had said: “ _the further along I get the more I feel like she’s sucking the life out of me_.”  Not only had she known; she was trying to prepare the people around her for this possibility.  Yes, she had indeed faced the end bravely.  She sat silently while Amethyst and Bismuth shared stories and helped each other talking about good memories.  Peridot decided not to share how Jasper had touched her life – she felt the story was rather personal, but she’d always be grateful to her.

                “Thanks again, Peri,” Amethyst said again as they left the house. 

                “Any time.”  A screech from above caught their attention and they looked up at the sky to see a bird make a circle above the house.  It was far away but Peridot was pretty sure she knew what it was.

                “Is that a hawk?” Amethyst asked.

                “No…it’s an eagle…a bald eagle.”

                Amethyst smiled and chuckled a little before looking up to see the bird sail away.  “Good-bye, sis.”


	11. Let it Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More NSFW near the beginning. 
> 
> "Let it Go" Lyrics copyright of Disney.

** Chapter 11 – Let it Go **

                Returning to school was surprisingly exciting for Peridot.  She and Lapis were in the same dorm they’d shared for two years, but this time was a little different.  Instead of simply greeting each other cordially and going about their own lives, Peridot jumped on Lapis the second she walked through the door and gave her a passionate kiss. 

                Lapis laughed after she’d pulled away.  “Let me get settled.  Then maybe we can pick up where our text messages left off.” 

                Peridot blushed slightly.  Their text messages had been very steamy…and usually exchanged late at night…no, it had been sexting, not simply texting, but as comfortable as Peridot had gotten talking about it and fantasizing about it, actually doing it was a completely different story.

                She felt a mix of disappointment and relief that it did not happen that first night back.  Instead, they simply cuddled, stroking each other’s hair and talking about their summers until they both dozed off on Lapis’ bed.   

                In fact, it didn’t happen the next night either, rather, they took time to get settled into their college routine.  Peridot shared no classes with Lapis and only one course with Amethyst, but Ronaldo was in three of her classes and when he first saw her, he grabbed her in a hug and spun her around.  They’d talked over the summer – usually while teaming up over the internet to play online games, but it was great hanging out with him again.  She knew he even had a girlfriend now – she was an internet girlfriend, but it was still good news to Peridot. 

                It was in her last class, she realized Kevin was also taking that course.  She sat far away from him in the lecture hall, determined not to let it bother her and for the most part, as long as he left her alone, she felt it wouldn’t.  What he’d done would always be with her; she’d never forget it, but she’d learned to put it behind her.  She realized that when she didn’t look at Kevin with fear or absolute hatred or anger anymore.

                It was a few nights later when she was curled up next to Lapis on her bed, both of them watching Camp Pining Hearts and Peridot was getting ideas for a new PercyxPierre fanfic she planned on writing.  Lapis shifted position, which meant Peridot had to move too and when they finally had settled together again, she realized Lapis’ fingers were curled around the curve of her breast.  Peridot tried to ignore it, but she had to draw her knees up and move her legs and Lapis’ touch caused that familiar, yet welcome, tingling in her body.  Lapis moved her fingers moved causing Peridot to shudder a bit. 

                “Is this okay?”  Lapis asked. 

                “Yeah.”  Peridot’s hand was resting on Lapis’ knee and she trailed it up to caress her inner thigh. 

                Lapis looked down at her girlfriend with a smirk on her face.  “I’m not even watching this anymore.”

                “Neither am I.”  Peridot shifted again, sitting up straighter and pressed her mouth to Lapis’. 

                Lapis wrapped her arms around Peridot, her hands finding their way into her shirt and sliding along her side causing the smaller woman to pull away laughing.  “That tickles!”

                “Oh, you’re ticklish.”  And Lapis was on her, pulling up her shirt, her fingers dancing against her sides causing her to laugh until her cheeks turned red.  Peridot’s chest was rising and falling as she struggled to catch her breath.  She felt Lapis’ hands again, in her shirt, on her breasts, the touch gentle and loving.  For a second, she froze, unsure of what she should do with her own hands, but then she found herself reaching up, untying Lapis’ halter top and flinging it away. 

                “Fuck these clothes!”   Lapis quickly got rid of Peridot’s shirt and bra, then kissed her again as her fingers skillfully undid her pants.   Her mouth claimed Peridot’s neck causing her to cry out and Lapis stopped, unsure if this was good or bad.  “Is this okay?” 

                “Yes, keep going.” 

                “If you need me to stop, just…”

                Peridot put her fingertips to Lapis’ mouth.  “It’s okay.  I want to do this.  I want you.”  And she did; she’d been fantasizing about doing this all summer after reading the letter and having the subsequent sexting sessions with her girlfriend.  She’d ached for her touch.  She arched her back and moaned as she felt Lapis’ hand slide past the waistband of her panties.   

                It was just as steamy as she’d imagined, the heat reminding her of a tropical island rocking with seismic activity as an eruption loomed on the horizon.  The passion built in both of them like magma building up under a volcano, steam escaping up into the air.  Peridot found that she liked pleasuring Lapis just as much as Lapis’ gentle touch on her.  “Oh my stars…”

                The ground seemed to move beneath them, waves of desire ensnaring both of them.  Finally, their passion exploded like a volcano erupting, lava shooting into the air and then pooling on the beach below only cooled by the ocean’s touch.  

                Peridot lay back against the pillows, her girlfriend right there by her, stroking her hair and kissing her softly.  She exhaled softly and ran her fingers along Lapis’ arm.  She didn’t know what to say, or if anything could be said.  She gave an exhausted smile and intertwined her fingers with Lapis’.  No, there were no words to describe what had just happened because in that moment, she had let all her fears and worries evaporate to make room for love and happiness.

*

                There was a time when Peridot might have told Amethyst about it right away, but she didn’t.  At least for now, she decided to keep it private.  She remembered in high school when her best friend had first done it and told Peridot about every detail…well, as many details as there were about an eight second encounter.  “It was hardly worth taking my pants off for,” Amethyst had said.

                But, for Peridot, she wanted to keep her first time special.  Besides, they weren’t in high school anymore and eventually, she was sure it would come up in conversation.  She did, however, tell Rose at their next session that she’d finally plucked up the courage to do it.

                “And how does that make you feel?”  Rose asked.

                “Happy and proud…and I don’t know why I waited so long.  It was amazing.”

                “You should be proud of yourself and all the progress you’ve made.  Peri, you’re a far cry from the person I met in January.  So, do you think this could be our last session?”

                She considered that the day was coming up…the day that marked one year from the morning she’d woken up to face the worst experience of her life.  However, she felt she’d honestly received all the help from Rose she could.  She’d gone from being unable to talk about it and shutting down emotionally to being able to freely discuss it with Rose without crying.  She still didn’t like thinking about it, but Rose had told her she never would.  It was an awful experience – that would never change – but it was something that happened to her, not something that defined her and not something that ruled over her life anymore.  “Yeah.  I think so.”

                “If ever you feel you need help, you have my card.”

                Peridot nodded, recalling the business card tucked away in her wallet, but as she closed the door to the office that day she knew it would be for the last time.  If she needed to talk about it, she wouldn’t need counseling anymore, just someone willing to listen and she had Amethyst and Lapis. 

                She got into her car and turned the dial until she found her favorite radio station.  As she pulled out of the parking lot some familiar notes caught her ear.  It was a song she’d tried to forget – one that was insanely popular a few years ago…one that right now seemed to speak to her and in spite of how she’d once been annoyed by it, she turned up the volume and started singing along midway through the first few lines. 

_“The wind is howling like the swirling storm inside,_

_Couldn't keep it in,_

_Heaven knows I try…”_

                And she had – she had tried to keep it in and that storm almost destroyed her mind, body and soul with gale force winds. 

_“Don't let them in, don't let them see,_

_Be the good girl you always have to be,_

_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know,_

_Well now they know…”_

                She was no longer the ‘good girl’ her parents had raised her to be.  She was no longer a girl, but like the queen in the movie, she was a woman who had found a power inside herself that made her feel confident and strong. 

_“It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small_

_And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all!”_

                The distance of a year had made a difference.  She was no longer afraid; she was no longer depressed.  In this moment, she was free from all that and she was happy.

_“Standing frozen in the life I've chosen,_

_You won't find me, the past is all behind me,_

_Buried in the snow!”_

                As the song moved closer to its crescendo, she reflected on how she had chosen life and had put everything behind her to focus on the future.  Peridot caught sight of the semicolon tattoo on her wrist, took a breath and belted out the next few lines.

_“And here I stand,_

_And here I'll stay,_

_Let it go, let it go!”_

                All the fear, the shame, the depression, the worthlessness she’d once felt…she’d made a decision about that.  She was going to live in the moment, look forward to the future and as for the past…

_“Let it go,_

_Here I stand,_

_Let it go, let it go,_

_Let it go!”_

                And she had.  She had finally let it go.

               

~Fin~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> When I wrote about this same subject in A Generous Heart, one of the comments I got was "you must've done a lot of research into the mindset of sexual assault victims". And I never responded to that comment...because I didn't have to research - like so many others, my experience was first-hand.
> 
> I am a survivor, like so many others and when I wrote the previous fanfic, I hadn't even started my journey. Like Peridot, I didn't report it, but unlike her, it took me nearly 15 years to seek therapy. After I finished counseling and was in a much better place about my trauma, I wanted to tell a genuine story about recovery.
> 
> It ended much the same way my journey did - I was heading home and 'Let it Go' came on my iPod and I found myself singing along, appreciating the lyrics (and I like the song too - I'm a Disney fan *shrugs*).
> 
> If you are a victim and need help to start your journey to being a survivor, the RAINN organization is a good place to start (www.rainn.org or 1-800-656-4673 - 24/7 hotline) - you can also use Google to find a crisis center or sexual assault center in your county (this is where I received my counseling).
> 
> So, I hope you enjoyed this story - I hope it was as enlightening for you reading it as it was for me writing it. 
> 
> What's next? Well, I have gotten the following three questions from readers: 1) What happens to the characters after? 2) What is Jasper's backstory? (It was felt she was put in and taken out very quickly). 3) Where's Garnet? 
> 
> Fear not, all those will be answered in the sequel "Earning Her Stripes" coming soon. :D


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